On every newsagent's and convenience store's magazine rack, in every hospital waiting room and doctor's office they sit, shouting their banal and inane messages.
SURVIVING THE TSUNAMI MADE ME PSYCHIC!
THE TACKIEST TART IN TOWN!
BREASTFEEDING LEFT ME INFERTILE!
FAMILY HATED MY 'UGLY' BABY!
They go by such names as Chat, That's Life!, Bella and Take A Break. They are basically what bored housewives are supposed to be reading inbetween playing bingo and watching Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women.
The headlines draw the reader in, and a naturally curious person such as myself cannot help but pick up a copy and idly leaf through the pages, mainly to find out what the front page items actually mean. Oftentimes they bear only a passing resemblance to what you have conjured in your mind's eye based on what you read on the cover. But the headlines only truly become gems in their own right when you see the Christmas issues. Then do you heartily guffaw or groan in semi-appreciation at a well-written pun. Examples, I hear you cry? Get a load of these from last week:
WHAT A TURKEY! My fella brought his secret mistress to Xmas dinner
SPECIAL DELIVERY - I gave birth as I cooked the sprouts!
NIGHTMARE BEFORE XMAS - My tot went up in flames
MRS GRINCH - My pal stole my poorly girl's presents
WE'RE SINGLE AND READY TO JINGLE!
TORN APART - like wrapping paper (I see what you did there...)
CARVED UP AT XMAS by big bro
STOCKING THRILLER - Dad burst in on my Xmas striptease for fella
40 STONE because I eat six Xmas dinners a day
MERRY EX-MAS My fiance ran off with my SISTER on Xmas Day
SURPRISE, MUM! I wasn't the Xmas sprouts
WHO GOT STUFFED when Paxo met Cranberry? (A story about two turkeys falling in lurrrve. Awwwww.)
OUCH! I was gored by Rudolph! (Oh deer!)*
JINGLE HELL - Slayed by their crazed Santa Dad
TOO FAT for an Xmas cuddle!
So there you are. If you really want to read any of the stories that these headlines pertain to, just book a doctor's or dentist's appointment for a couple months from now and you can read to your heart's content.
*NB: Oh deer! was part of the actual headline, not a comment from me.