Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

English As She Is Spoke

I regard myself as a reasonably intelligent man, and I hope that others do also. However, once in a while I come across some things that make me scratch my head. Many of those things are things that I have talked about on this very blog. And just recently I happened upon another one.

My job currently is that of shop assistant in a small neighbourhood store. As such I get there early each day and open the joint up ready to welcome customers at 7 a.m. We try to cram as much as we can into the shop, small as it is, to provide essentials for the neighbourhood. We have a very small section for newspapers and magazines, and attempt to keep a varied selection. Some of them just don't sell, and this is because we just don't have the clientele for that sort of magazine. One that has been sitting for a while is The Field, a mag for the huntin' shootin' fishin' set, with the accent on the huntin' and shootin'.

As it's been sitting for a while and as the magazine rack is directly opposite the counter where I man the till and provide excellent customer service* for all and sundry, I get to see the cover of that magazine every day.

Now, to hasten to my point, which is about things that perplex a person, cause utter confusion and generally make you say "What the...?", there is a headline on that magazine's cover which reads as follows.

Best Drive of the Day?
Aga queens name the guns'
favourite lunches
Now, then...

It has something to do with food... but guns are inanimate objects... so how do they eat, or even express any feelings about lunch...and what's it got to do with driving? An Aga is an oven so I suppose an Aga queen would be a great female cook, but... uh...

Anyone translate? I can't speak Rich Twit. Or better still, someone come and buy that sodding magazine so I don't have to look at it anymore.

* "Providing excellent customer service" is a phrase that should be henceforth banned from any workplace. The number of corporate suck-ups I have heard in my lifetime uttering this ridiculous mantra would make your head spin. Worst of all are the bozo trainers from Head Office that would like it if you would greet a customer (or 'guest') with the sentence, "Welcome to (wherever you are), my name is (insert your name here), how may I provide you with excellent customer service today?".

I actually did go to a store once and get greeted in that manner. My response SHOULD have been, "You can provide me with excellent customer service today by getting the fudge outta my face, Shmendrick", but instead all I said was, "Uh, I'm just browsing."

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