Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Friday, January 16, 2015

Joke I Just Thought Of

So this guy is an unrepentant atheist. He doesn't believe in God, angels, the Virgin birth, any of it. Total non-believer.

And God is up in Heaven, noticing this, and decides to just randomly pick on this chap and convert him to Christianity. Just because. So he looks on the angel rota to see who is available to go down to Earth and do a little convincing.

So the angel that gets chosen (let's call him Barry) is told by the Almighty, "Look, Baz. This guy is going to miss out on all the fun we have up here when he passes on if he doesn't repent and all that. So you get down there and give him the hard sell. Make it sound like the best holiday resort ever. I want this guy's everlasting commitment to me. Just because."

And Barry the angel goes down and does what he was told.

One evening he manifests in the fellow's living room. The chap is naturally freaked out by this - I mean, wouldn't you be? It's not like your normal everyday occurrence, is it - a heavenly presence just plonking itself down in your lounge. So this poor bloke legs it over to the cupboard under the stairs where he happens to keep a loaded firearm - a small pistol. He grabs it and runs back into the room, saying "I dunno who you are or what you want, but if you don't get the hell out of my house in 10 seconds, I'm blasting you!"

"Calm down, dear fellow," reassures the angel, "For I am the angel Barry, and I bring you glad tidings from Heaven above."

Well, that was more than this staunch atheist could bear. He unloaded his gun into the angel. Of course, being an angel, the bullets had zero effect on Barry. However, the noise of shots being fired did have the effect of causing some well meaning passers-by to call the police, who sent a squad car to the address.

But by this time, God, the all-seeing and all -knowing, decided to intervene, seeing as how Barry was not making any headway. But the sudden appearance of yet another heavenly presence in his living room just made our atheist friend madder, and he attempted to shoot at God. This was futile, however, due to the gun being empty.

Just then, the door burst open and two officers ran in, guns drawn, to see the homeowner standing there, gun in hand, with what appeared to be God and one of his angels at the other end of the room.

So one cop says, "What in the world is going on? A neighbour reported hearing gunfire!"

So the fellow turns to the policemen and says,

(wait for it, wait for it...)

"It was me, officer. I shot the seraph. But I did not shoot the deity."

You may now groan.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Podcast Of Jeff presents: Into The Unknown

The Podcast Of Jeff presents: Into The Unknown

Click the above link to listen to my new show in which I play new music and other good things by Luke Jackson, John Knowles, Vile Electrodes, OMD, Dropitomic, Trunken, the lost boy, Nazneen, Bentcousin, Andrew Hammond, Kelly Bourne, Hands and Harvey Summers.

If you would like for your song to be featured on the next instalment of Into The Unknown, shoot me an email at and any mp3s you'd like me to play. Doesn't matter if you're an unsigned artist either - in fact, if I can be of service in getting your music (or poetry or standup, for that matter) out there, then so much the better.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Give It Up For Pete Hernandez

Or should that be, give it up for the artist formerly known as Peter Gene Hernandez.(Yes folks, surprisingly his real name is not Bruno Mars.)

Seriously, is he not channeling Prince, The Time, The Gap Band and The Brothers Johnson here?!?!

All I can say is... TUUUUNNNEEE!!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

How Are You?

My trouble is I'm too honest.

There are certain social conventions I am afraid I just do not have any time for, and one of those is when somebody asks how you are, by way of greeting.

"Hi, how are you?"

to which we are supposed to just reply,

"Fine, thanks. You?"

 and then they respond with

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Why is this? Because, apparently, it's polite, and I suppose in a larger sense, because nobody actually cares how others are doing, they are just making conversation. It's like poking someone on Facebook. You're not trying to start a conversation, you are just reminding each other that you are both still alive. What the above conversation looks like, when roughly translated, is this:

"Hello. I recognise you from somewhere and because of this I feel obliged to greet you in some fashion, even though I don't really want to talk to you."

"Same here. I would rather smack myself about the face with a spiny cactus than have a real conversation with you, so I will therefore make small talk in hopes that we can keep this exchange mercifully brief."

"You said it."

But because I have no truck with these shallow social constructs and I like to, ahem, "keep it real", I actually reply by giving them an honest account of how I'm feeling, whether it be good, bad or indifferent. Some people appreciate it and respond likewise. Others are somewhat taken aback and don't know how to react.

Here's a little example. On Tuesday afternoon I started getting stomach cramps and by the evening my stomach felt so bloated and tender that I could not bear to have any form of pressure on it, even going so far as to completely untie the drawstring in the sweatpants I was wearing. I knew I would not be able to work the next day feeling the way I felt, and so I called in sick. Today I returned to work and when customers started to come in to the shop, they all naturally asked, "How are you?" or "How ya doing?" or words to that effect.

So, being plagued by the need to be honest and not just pretend to be something I'm not,  I would tell them a brief, condensed version of what I just told you.

"Well, I'm fine NOW, now that I'm not getting mind-numbing stomach cramps every 15 minutes."

Like I said, some would join in with the 'illness' repartee with gusto, and others would go "Oh. Well. Oh dear."

What's weird about that is not that they don't feel like joining in, it's that the strange conventions of politeness contain this little 'rule' about conversational greetings in the first place. Who was the first person to decide that the best thing to do to avoid lengthy dialogues with people you only marginally know was to subject yourself to the whole

"How are you?" "Fine, how are you?" "Fine thanks."


Keep it real, peeps, and have a happy 2015. May you not get ill.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Jennifer Lawrence Has A Lot To Answer For

The Hunger Games.  Very popular, those books, those movies. Made it very cool for girls to wield a bow and arrow. And now NERF (as in, "it's NERF or nothin'"), whose commercials have always been full of boys waging styrofoam battle with each other in various locations - parks, back gardens, woods etc. - have recognised the need for young ladies to run around all Jennifer Lawrencelike shooting their pals with soft missiles. But you've got to be able to distinguish a BOY'S bow-and-arrow NERF weapon from a GIRL'S bow-and-arrow NERF weapon. How to do that? First, give it a girly (but still tough) name. REBELLE.  Ooooh, sounds cool, huh? Rebellious, even. But just in case you were still unsure as to which gender the REBELLE was aimed at, let's give it some girl type colours. Purple, eh? Yeah. Almost pink.

Definitely for girls.

Not cool, NERF. Not at all enlightened.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Podcast Of Jeff!: Festive Gems

Well folks, it's the 23rd of December, or as some complete idiots like to refer to it, "Christmas Eve Eve."

I know full well you are all running around like chickens (or turkeys) with their heads cut off, trying to fit present-wrapping, food purchasing, booze-stocking-up, card-writing and all that other good stuff into your busy schedule, and I know there is a TON of good stuff to watch on TV, but do me a favour if you will, and listen to my holiday podcast. That's right - book yourself an hour's winter vacation in a high-backed leather armchair by a roaring log fire, glass of mulled wine/Drambuie/eggnog/whatever in hand, bowl of festive nibbles at your side, PC speakers cranked up to smooth, click the link below, and wallow in festive frivolity and Yuletide yarns. You've earned it.

The Podcast Of Jeff!: Festive Gems

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Take A Break? Gimme A Break!

On every newsagent's and convenience store's magazine rack, in every hospital waiting room and doctor's office they sit, shouting their banal and inane messages.





They go by such names as Chat, That's Life!, Bella and Take A Break. They are basically what bored housewives are supposed to be reading inbetween playing bingo and watching Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women.

The headlines draw the reader in, and a naturally curious person such as myself cannot help but pick up a copy and idly leaf through the pages, mainly to find out what the front page items actually mean. Oftentimes they bear only a passing resemblance to what you have conjured in your mind's eye based on what you read on the cover. But the headlines only truly become gems in their own right when you see the Christmas issues. Then do you heartily guffaw or groan in semi-appreciation at a well-written pun. Examples, I hear you cry? Get a load of these from last week:

WHAT A TURKEY! My fella brought his secret mistress to Xmas dinner

SPECIAL DELIVERY - I gave birth as I cooked the sprouts!

NIGHTMARE BEFORE XMAS - My tot went up in flames

MRS GRINCH - My pal stole my poorly girl's presents


TORN APART - like wrapping paper (I see what you did there...)

CARVED UP AT XMAS by big bro

STOCKING THRILLER - Dad burst in on my Xmas striptease for fella

40 STONE because I eat six Xmas dinners a day

MERRY EX-MAS My fiance ran off with my SISTER on Xmas Day

SURPRISE, MUM! I wasn't the Xmas sprouts

WHO GOT STUFFED when Paxo met Cranberry? (A story about two turkeys falling in lurrrve. Awwwww.)

OUCH! I was gored by Rudolph! (Oh deer!)*

JINGLE HELL - Slayed by their crazed Santa Dad

TOO FAT for an Xmas cuddle!

So there you are. If you really want to read any of the stories that these headlines pertain to, just book a doctor's or dentist's appointment for a couple months from now and you can read to your heart's content.

*NB: Oh deer! was part of the actual headline, not a comment from me.
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