Blah

Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Take A Break? Gimme A Break!

On every newsagent's and convenience store's magazine rack, in every hospital waiting room and doctor's office they sit, shouting their banal and inane messages.

SURVIVING THE TSUNAMI MADE ME PSYCHIC!

THE TACKIEST TART IN TOWN!

BREASTFEEDING LEFT ME INFERTILE!

FAMILY HATED MY 'UGLY' BABY!

They go by such names as Chat, That's Life!, Bella and Take A Break. They are basically what bored housewives are supposed to be reading inbetween playing bingo and watching Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women.


The headlines draw the reader in, and a naturally curious person such as myself cannot help but pick up a copy and idly leaf through the pages, mainly to find out what the front page items actually mean. Oftentimes they bear only a passing resemblance to what you have conjured in your mind's eye based on what you read on the cover. But the headlines only truly become gems in their own right when you see the Christmas issues. Then do you heartily guffaw or groan in semi-appreciation at a well-written pun. Examples, I hear you cry? Get a load of these from last week:

WHAT A TURKEY! My fella brought his secret mistress to Xmas dinner

SPECIAL DELIVERY - I gave birth as I cooked the sprouts!

NIGHTMARE BEFORE XMAS - My tot went up in flames

MRS GRINCH - My pal stole my poorly girl's presents

WE'RE SINGLE AND READY TO JINGLE!

TORN APART - like wrapping paper (I see what you did there...)

CARVED UP AT XMAS by big bro

STOCKING THRILLER - Dad burst in on my Xmas striptease for fella

40 STONE because I eat six Xmas dinners a day

MERRY EX-MAS My fiance ran off with my SISTER on Xmas Day

SURPRISE, MUM! I wasn't the Xmas sprouts

WHO GOT STUFFED when Paxo met Cranberry? (A story about two turkeys falling in lurrrve. Awwwww.)

OUCH! I was gored by Rudolph! (Oh deer!)*

JINGLE HELL - Slayed by their crazed Santa Dad

TOO FAT for an Xmas cuddle!

So there you are. If you really want to read any of the stories that these headlines pertain to, just book a doctor's or dentist's appointment for a couple months from now and you can read to your heart's content.


*NB: Oh deer! was part of the actual headline, not a comment from me.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

English As She Is Spoke

I regard myself as a reasonably intelligent man, and I hope that others do also. However, once in a while I come across some things that make me scratch my head. Many of those things are things that I have talked about on this very blog. And just recently I happened upon another one.


My job currently is that of shop assistant in a small neighbourhood store. As such I get there early each day and open the joint up ready to welcome customers at 7 a.m. We try to cram as much as we can into the shop, small as it is, to provide essentials for the neighbourhood. We have a very small section for newspapers and magazines, and attempt to keep a varied selection. Some of them just don't sell, and this is because we just don't have the clientele for that sort of magazine. One that has been sitting for a while is The Field, a mag for the huntin' shootin' fishin' set, with the accent on the huntin' and shootin'.

As it's been sitting for a while and as the magazine rack is directly opposite the counter where I man the till and provide excellent customer service* for all and sundry, I get to see the cover of that magazine every day.

Now, to hasten to my point, which is about things that perplex a person, cause utter confusion and generally make you say "What the...?", there is a headline on that magazine's cover which reads as follows.

Best Drive of the Day?
Aga queens name the guns'
favourite lunches
Now, then...

It has something to do with food... but guns are inanimate objects... so how do they eat, or even express any feelings about lunch...and what's it got to do with driving? An Aga is an oven so I suppose an Aga queen would be a great female cook, but... uh...

Anyone translate? I can't speak Rich Twit. Or better still, someone come and buy that sodding magazine so I don't have to look at it anymore.



* "Providing excellent customer service" is a phrase that should be henceforth banned from any workplace. The number of corporate suck-ups I have heard in my lifetime uttering this ridiculous mantra would make your head spin. Worst of all are the bozo trainers from Head Office that would like it if you would greet a customer (or 'guest') with the sentence, "Welcome to (wherever you are), my name is (insert your name here), how may I provide you with excellent customer service today?".

I actually did go to a store once and get greeted in that manner. My response SHOULD have been, "You can provide me with excellent customer service today by getting the fudge outta my face, Shmendrick", but instead all I said was, "Uh, I'm just browsing."

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Scent Of Doom

Over the years, ever since the idea of 'celebs' came about, celebs have been called upon to advertise products in return for a hefty paycheck. Whether it be Lucille Ball shilling cigarettes or Ted Williams hawking Moxie soda, the idea is not a new one. But the recent sharp rise in the amount of heavyweight actors plugging perfume is to me an abhorrent trend. Why is this, I hear you cry?

Because perfume ads have long been the most pretentious piles of unwatchable garbage, that's why. Little mini-movies that make no sense apparently is the best way to advertise things that have little or no intrinsic value other than that they smell nice (mostly). Blame Armani for that. Chuck in a Cate Blanchett, Ryan Reynolds or a Gerard Butler and suddenly the whole thing now has gravitas.







Chanel even have the cojones to refer to their Coco Mademoiselle ad as a 'film' purely because the damn thing is six times as long as a normal commercial and stars Keira Knightley. Still pretentious crap, though. And seriously? Keira does not ride a frickin' Segway, let alone a motorbike.




But the ads that annoy the shit out of me are the ones for J'adore by Dior starring Charlize Theron.

Charlize is a talented actress, famous for MONSTER  in which she looked nothing like herself playing serial murderer Aileen Wuornos.


Monster is a great movie in which Charlize gives a powerhouse performance. So I find it really hard to reconcile this...




with this...




and now, this....




In short, I've had enough of celebs endorsing perfume. I wish we could go back to the time when you didn't need an Armani/Herb Ritts mindset to make a fragrance ad. Let's go back to the good old days.


Cannot Be Unseen





The hell did I just watch?! I feel violated.

Monday, December 1, 2014

The End Of Movember


It's gone!

Yes folks, I successfully completed the #Movember challenge and grew a fairly respectable 'tache for the entire thirty days of November. And last night, shortly before midnight, I got rid of it. It itched and irritated. Laura didn't care for its rather prickly quality, not to mention its random sticky-out-in-all-directions growth pattern. It bothered me while eating and drinking - I'm not the most dainty of eaters or drinkers at the best of times and the mo' just compounded the issue.  But I raised a little cash for charity and got my phizzog in the paper (again!). So that's good. But it had to go. Removing it took about ten years off me, so I'm told. So there ya go.

Plus! If you didn't donate to my cause, fret not. You still can, by going to https://www.movember.com/uk/donate/payment/member_id/10788349/

Cheers all, and a big thanks to my Mum and my Sis who were my main contributors!

Friday, October 31, 2014

Jeff's Hallowe'en Minicast

Jeff's Hallowe'en Minicast





Even scarier.
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