Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Monday, April 13, 2015

UKIP Translation Guide

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Here's A Fun Activity

Laura and I have recently devised a jolly activity for those cold spring nights when there is naff-all on telly and you wish to amuse yourself. We call it


The game is exceedingly simple. All you have to do is choose a classic quote from a film, and repeat it in that legendary Fred Schneider style.

It may help to listen and sing along to "Rock Lobster" and "Love Shack" a couple times in order to get into a Fredlike frame of mind. Say your chosen classic movie line, and the other person or persons participating in the game have to name the source of the quote.

Fairly simple, I trust you'll agree, but the additional level of difficulty introduced into the game by deliberately saying it a la Schneider makes it more fun. Here's an example:

"Say hello to my little friend!"

You're already hearing Fred saying (or should I say Schneidering*) it, aren't you?

*He doesn't say things like other folks do, and he doesn't really shout in the traditional sense of the word. So Schneidering it is.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Into The Unknown, Episode 5

Into The Unknown, Episode 5

itunes pic

Another episode of fresh new music from all over the world.
Track listing:
Portico: Atacama ft. Joe Newman
Los Porcos: Porc Noise Complaint
Petri: Lovey Dovey/Petri's Former incarnation
Alice Boman: Reason To Believe
Jonas Lundquist: Vissa Natter
Tame Impala: let it happen
Lung Dart: Paradise Turns
ekofisk: SW9
Haelos: Earth Not Above
Peter Broderick: The Reconnection
Toro Y Moi: Buffalo
ekofisk: Pressure Said

Into The Unknown Oldies Mixtape

Into The Unknown Oldies Mixtape

Sure, we can listen to new music. But just for today, let's pull out some old records and listen to some stuff that may have passed you by. With artists as diverse as Simple Minds, Adrian Wagner, bIG fLAME and The Associates among the tracks, you are sure to hear something fresh and freaky.

 Track listing: 

Virgins Of The Sun - Adrian Wagner

 Far More Drums - Dave Brubeck Quartet 

Visage - Visage 

Man Of Few Syllables - bIG fLAME 

I Don't Know What It Is - Pete Shelley

 Dance Sucker (12") - Set The Tone

 Party Fears Two - Heaven 17

 Love Song - Simple Minds

 The Distance - Cake

 The Jezebel Spirit - David Byrne & Brian Eno 

Voodoo Ray - A Guy Called Gerald 

Seether - Veruca Salt

 Handyman Blues - Billy Bragg

 White Car In Germany - The Associates

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Sick Of Being Sick

Oh boy, am I sick of being sick. I've been sick for bloody months, years it seems. Seriously, I've had some sort of low-grade sub-sickness since at least October. Snot of varying quantities, from streaming schnozz to drip to dried bloodied clods of gunk. A cough that wavers from chesty to dry to nagging tickle. Various aches and pains and twinges and dull things that defy description. A throat that just occasionally decides to feel like I've swallowed a Dorito sideways or a whole kiwi fruit. Is this what life is going to feel like from here on in, because I am mightily hacked off with it. I swear, if I woke up in the morning and the coughs, sneezes, boogers and aches had all gone, I'd probably die from shock. Bleccch.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Into The Unknown, Episode 4

Into The Unknown, Episode 4

Here it is folks, the new fresh edition of my music show Into the Unknown. Enjoy!

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Amen, Bob

Critics say I mangle my melodies, render my songs unrecognizable. Oh, really? Let me tell you something. I was at a boxing match a few years ago seeing Floyd Mayweather fight a Puerto Rican guy. And the Puerto Rican national anthem, somebody sang it and it was beautiful. It was heartfelt and it was moving.
After that it was time for our national anthem. And a very popular soul-singing sister was chosen to sing. She sang every note — that exists, and some that don’t exist. Talk about mangling a melody. You take a one-syllable word and make it last for 15 minutes? She was doing vocal gymnastics like she was on a trapeze act. But to me it was not funny.
Where were the critics? Mangling lyrics? Mangling a melody? Mangling a treasured song? No, I get the blame. But I don’t really think I do that. I just think critics say I do.

-- Bob Dylan

Last night I found myself watching the Grammys on TV. I was all set to switch off when the whole Kanye West / Beck thing started. And so Laura and I kept watching.

We saw the Rihanna / Kanye /Fab Macca Wacky Thumbs Aloft song. I asked out loud why it was that RiRi looked angry as she sang (lyrics that I was unable to decipher, by the way). Laura thought perhaps it was because she was onstage with Kanye, whom she described as a "c**k".

We also witnessed the, ahem, "performance" by pop enigma Sia. Standing with her back to the audience warbling in a corner as if she was the next impending victim of the Blair Witch while the blonde-bewigged kid and dancer from her videos did an interpretive jig just made me focus on how weird her voice sounds. Don't get me wrong, she has a good singing voice, but she needs to use it instead of doing vocal acrobatics while also doing a cod-Jamaican patois that made me think "this is probably how Jerry Lewis would sing this song." Seriously, all I heard was "Hoyvin flayvin!"

We then had a bunch of people who were being serious and worthy about things like violence against women and black history. Both great causes but all I could think was "this IS an awards ceremony, right? I've been watching for nearly an hour and I have seen ONE award presented. ONE."

So after Katy "incomprehensible" Perry and John Legend and Common did their worthy thangs, we have Beyonce foisted upon us, to sing a gospel hymn. Now I am not a fan of gospel OR Beyonce, but I appreciate music and musical ability of any genre. I also understand that the hymn has a strong significance to many people. But Beyonce went ahead and did what Bob Dylan described at the top of this post. Whatever meaning the song has, whatever message it was trying to convey, was lost, as I did not understand a single flaming word of it. If that is an example of Beyoncé's "artistry", Kanye, then she is as deluded as you.

Here endeth the lesson.

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