Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Podcast Of Jeff! - Almost LIve

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Let's Abolish Sunday (And Monday Too)

I hate Sundays. Always have. There is nothing to do on a Sunday. The TV is rubbish on Sunday.  Even if you live in a country like the USA with its 24/7 activity culture, there is a different dynamic about Sundays that make them less tolerable. Perhaps it is the knowledge that the following day is Monday which all working people dread (except people who are fortunate enough to be doing what they love for a living, but how many are there of those? And of course those fortunate enough to be either lottery winners, self-made millionaires like Jonathan Hart, or born into money and don't have to work for a living). Monday has a feel all its own. Even in this day and age when people work mostly all week because shops are now open every damn day, Monday is the worst.

But Sunday is dreaded even by children. Even those who enjoy school. Even those who are not yet old enough to attend school. So what gives?

The reasons for this universal dislike of Sundays and Mondays could be debated for weeks, months, years, and that is simply time we do not have. So I propose a solution.

Let's just get rid of Sunday and Monday. No more dread, no more worry. We just skip them. Go straight from Saturday to Tuesday. We avoid all the crap Sunday TV. We don't have to cook an enormous dinner every weekend. No more Monday morning blues. Plus, the calendar would divide more evenly. Every year would have exactly 73 weeks. The dread of Christmas would be alleviated.

"How many weeks to Christmas?"

"52, I make it."

"Wow, that's a long way off. Don't have to worry about buying gifts just yet."

Every month would have six weeks, except August, which would have seven.

"How long is your vacation to Mallorca this year?"

"The entire month of August."

"Wow, seven weeks. Sounds amazing. I'm soooo jealous."

Plus, if you get paid weekly, that's one pay packet every five days. Far easier to budget for, and since you aren't having that gargantuan Sunday roast every week, the grocery bill is a little lighter on the wallet.

So I say let's do this. The pros far outweigh the cons. Who's with me?

Monday, March 17, 2014

Puzzler: Celebrity Deathmatch

So Marilyn Manson made several guest appearances on which MTV show?

Celebrity Deathmatch.

Remember that show? Seemed crap at the time but compared to some of today's drivel it's a classic.

In one episode Ricky Martin interrupts a Marilyn Manson performance by taking out two band members. In another, Jim Carrey gets his butt kicked by Mariah Carey. But who took on Mulder and Scully from The X-Files in another episode?

Smile. Now.

Readers of this hallowed institution may know that occasionally I like to post videos of things I find amusing and/or crap, adverts mainly, but other things from time to time. The last post was about ads, good ones, but there was one I forgot. Here it is.

And here is a video that's gone viral so you've probably seen it, but it manages to justify the existence of the Internet in 48 seconds.

You are welcome.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Bare Vexed

The last few years, teen-speak in the UK has moved further and further away from the co-opting of black American culture ("Yo! What up, dawg?" etc.) and more toward the co-opting of Jamaican culture, spreading outward from the, ahem, international districts of large urban centres such as London and Birmingham and now into the lingua franca of pretty much everyone in the UK aged between about 9 to 29.
At first it was just the odd word. A "Wha' gwan?" here, a "bred'ren" or "fam" there. But the word that gets a lot of usage in this house, at least, is the word "bare".

This has lost its original English definition of "naked or uncovered", and has even lost its Jamaican patois meaning of "only" (I mean, that one I can understand. Bare is close to barely, which can be an alternate meaning of 'only'.) Now it means "many", "very", "lots of", etc.

A while ago on one of my other blogs, The Unbelievables, I started a story about a wannabe superhero teddy bear named Barry whose superhero alter-ego persona was called Bear Vexed.

I should perhaps explain where that came from.

Not just to you, the readers of this hallowed institution, but to my Unbelievables co-authors, Michael Noble and Clark Brooks, who, being Americans and not perhaps being as au fait with the current UK teen slang, probably didn't quite see as a joke.

There is in my house a young man named Matthew. He's 14 and a cool dude. He speaks in this way all the time with his mates. His overuse of the word 'bare' to mean 'many', 'very' etc. is a source of, shall we say mild annoyance at times, but being 14, his extended stays in the bathroom applying 'product' to his manly locks and covering himself in Lynx body spray are, shall we say, mildly annoying too. Not to mention the fact that purchasing all this gunk for him to apply liberally to his mane costs us 'bare dollah'.

One day recently, he could not find his hairbrush. This, as you can imagine, was distressing for the poor lad. How was he going to look good for his girlfriend and anyone else who might care about his appearance if he could not lavish that special brush's affections on his tresses and apply 'bare' product?

He wandered around looking for the aforementioned brush, getting more and more agitated over its disappearance, and mentioned that it was making him "bare vexed."

Oh, we did laugh. Once we had wiped the tears of mirth from our eyes, Laura, the source of many an inspirational word, mentioned that she would think it amusing if I was to write a story about a superhero named Bear Vexed.

That, folks, is how it all came about.

Worth waiting for, huh?

Sunday, February 16, 2014

I Resolve, 2014

Do you ever feel that you have so many irons in the fire that you're gonna need a bigger fire? Ever have so many things that you plan to do but the great monster of procrastination steals half the day away from you? Well, I sure do. I've got all this stuff swirling around in my head that doesn't get done and I think if I set it down here then it'll somehow precipitate its birth, if you know what I mean.

What I mean is, an idea is only an idea, but if you tell it to people, then it somehow becomes more real.

So here's a list of things that occupy my mind, some currently happening, some just ideas waiting to bear fruit, and some are halfway there. I think if I write all this down, then people will maybe stop me in the street and say, "Hey Jeff, what happened to that thing that you said you were going to do?" and then I could tell them, "I'm gonna do it, dammit! Give me a chance!". So here goes.

The Grass

The band I was part of while at school over 30 years ago has collectively decided that this is the year to have a reunion. Since we live in different parts of the country, though, we find it hard to collaborate. We need to travel to see each other and I need a proper drum kit, but it needs to be portable as I haven't got the space for a full size one. There are options, but I am financially strapped right now (story of my life, really!). So in order to make this easier, I've set up a crowdfunding page for people to contribute to our reunion. Go see it at Also check out our Facebook page at

and then... 1982


As you guys are reading this you are more than likely aware that not only do I author this here blog, but I pen three others (The Food Of Jeff, Rosie's Blog, and Transition Tenterden) and co-chair another (The Unbelievables). So why then would I want to do a podcast? Well, there are several reasons.

 One, I've always wanted to be a DJ. Back in the days before the interwebs in order to become a DJ one would likely have to go to college and study Communications and Media Studies, make a demo tape, hawk it round every radio station you can think of and keep plugging away at it until some station gives you your big break. Nowadays there is free software, websites that syndicate your show, and basically all you need is a decent computer and a microphone.

Two, a few years back a friend and colleague of mine named Alistair Pritchitt suggested we do a podcast together as we both had good tastes in music and a good comedic rapport. He had previously DJ'd on college radio stations and so we thought it was a good idea. Now is the time.

Three, recently I was involved in a podcast that was basically an interview of The Unbelievables, the crime-fighting fictional trio that are the subjects of a blog that I co-author along with Michael Noble and Clark Brooks. The result was an episode of Douglas Arthur's podcast Assault Of The Two-Headed Space Mules and if you want to have a listen, here's the link.
Around that time I began listening to other episodes of Doug's podcast and thought how cool it was, particularly the episode where he interviewed my old friend and colleague Marissa Rapier in an episode where they discussed toys of the 1970s. After that I downloaded an episode of Artsee's Diner in which the host interviewed Clark about his blog Ridiculously Inconsistent Trickle Of Consciousness and the subsequent book, A Ridiculously Inconsistent Treasury.
Then I started listening to another podcast involving Clark, The Spike On The Mic Show, which... you'd have to listen to to really understand what it's all about.
Now Clark has just uploaded the first episode of his very own podcast, A Ridiculously Inconsistent Podcast. 

So I have this idea of my podcast kind of being a sort of round-table discussion of current events, weird news, opinion, music, jokes etc. along with Alistair Pritchitt, my old buddy who suggested the thinng in the first lace, along with two of my other friends, the first being Raymond Blackford who I've known since I were nobbut a lad working for Victoria Wine and who now works at Liquid Pleasure in Tenterden. Ray has a fine line in corny jokes and is always ready with a bad pun or one-liner to make you groan. The other participant will be Alastair Sadler, lead singer of The Grass and now a successful salsa dance instructor, and most recently a new face on the London comedy circuit. He's been doing standup for a couple of years now and is getting known. So it will be a pleasure to have him along with his witty observations and topical humour. The title of the podcast will be The Intelligence Men, so look for the links here.

As I said, I have always wanted to be a DJ, so I am considering (if I can find the time) doing my own music podcast at some point where I can be let loose playing some of the oddball music I have found most entertaining over the years.


T3 or Transition Town Tenterden is still going. We don't have very many members but we are still planning events and showing up at places with the Smoothy Bike. Next events are a Plant and Seed Swap on March 22nd and another town-wide litter pick on April 13th. Check out our Facebook page and our blog.


My little daughter Rosie takes up a good deal of our time as you might expect. She is now very close to being 17 months old and is walking, so look out! Secure the ornaments! She's a very sociable little girl and smiles at everyone (mostly). She makes me very happy and I feel honoured to be a Dad to such a sweet little pickle. Here's her blog at

Weight loss

I've been on a bit of a health kick recently, partly spurred into action by my DryAthlon which took place in January. I did it for Cancer Research UK and raised £205 by not drinking alcohol for the entire month. Since the start of February I have been drinking a lot less than I used to and trying to lose more weight with the help of a wonderful app called MyFitnessPal which tracks your calories, exercise, water intake etc. daily. I hope to lose at least a couple of stone this year.


 One hates to talk about deeply personal stuff on the blog but I shall gloss over all the yucky bits for you and boil things down to this: I intend this to be the year where my divorce becomes final and I can at last be free to marry Laura, and I will be goddamned if I cannot make this happen. End of.


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Tenterden 365

A project i am involved in this year is the Tenterden 365 project in which photographers all over this town send in photos every day and an independent panel of judges picks the best one from each day. At the end of the year the daily winners will be displayed in an exhibition. I think there could be a book or a calendar in it, too?

Anyway, that's the lot. I think. It seems like a list of stuff to do coupled with a list of resolutions, so that's what I'll call it. Follow my progress if you feel like it - or not, honestly I don't mind.

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