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Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Saying A Mouthful

Here in the UK we have a range of ice creams made by Wall's called Magnum. There are many flavours, and they are all freakin' delicious. However, I have one problem with them.

Their commercials.

Because Wall's seems to be under the impression that the best way to sell ice creams to people is to try to convince them that the outer layer of chocolate on each Magnum is so thick that the simple act of biting into one will produce a sound not unlike breaking rocks. With your teeth. An almost clip-cloppy coconut sound combined with a crunch.



And I have eaten many a Magnum. So I can tell you from personal experience that biting into a Magnum scarcely makes a sound. So that's problem number one.

Problem number two is that it simply does my head in  to think that anyone would hear that awful sound and think to themselves, "Wow, I sure could use an ice cream about now." That anybody on Earth would find that sound attractive or even vaguely pleasant just about defeats me. And EVERY Magnum commercial has that sound in it.

I don't think I'm alone when I say that I DON'T LIKE MOUTH NOISES. The only ones I have no issue with are my own. Anybody makes a loud chewing or slurping sound near me, I don't say anything but I secretly want to hurt them.

My first wife, bless her, was fond of iced mochas. When I procured an espresso maker (no, not a Keurig or a Tassimo or a George Clooney machine - this was in the mid-90's, We had to buy the beans whole, grind them ourselves, put it in the machine, fill up the water reservoir and stand there and watch it while it did its thing so we could turn on the steaming wand at the right moment and actually make OUR OWN FRIGGIN' COFFEE, not like today where you just haphazardly bung a little plastic doo-dah in the top and Hey Presto! Voluto! No, times were 'ard back then. Very passable, this Chateau de Chassily) she would have me make these giant iced mochas in massive cups saved from getting fast food from Taco Bell or similar, or the humongous insulated cups they give you in hospitals from which to sip your iced water, and she would make them last all day. We worked together from home at this point. Eventually there would come a point at which she would run out of liquid to consume and start chewing the ice cubes. Loudly. One at a time. And as nice a person as she is, I seriously wanted to smack her upside the head whenever she did this. Which was a lot. Thankfully, I restrained myself.

That was when my young son (now a big chap of 24) developed a liking for hard candies. He'd crunch to his heart's content on boiled sweets and gobstoppers with all the abandon he could muster. I swear he installed a miniature marshall stack of amps in his mouth somewhere. Imagine Robert Plant with banks and banks of enormous amps behind him, confidently striding god-like up to the mic, popping a Nuttall's Mintoe in his cakehole and chewing like billy-oh. Behind him is Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones, each wrestling with a Mint Imperial, and in the back, the ghost of John "Bonzo" Bonham sits, sticks in hand, ready to kick in with a primal beat, grinding away on a handful of Polos.

Aaaaargh.

I get a similar effect from commercials for Poli-Grip or Fixodent. In order to prove how well this goopy shit sticks your false teeth to your mouth, they always show some idiot biting into an apple. Loudly. They've been doing it since the 60's at least.

And here, for my money, is the worst offender. It makes me want to cut my ears off and set fire to them in the hopes that the pain will distract me from the noise. It probably wouldn't, though.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

These People Can't

According to the Sport England "This Girl Can" website, 
' This Girl Can is a national campaign developed by Sport England and a wide range of partnership organisations. It's a celebration of active women up and down the country who are doing their thing no matter how well they do it, how they look or even how red their face gets.'
The ads are quite cleverly done, and consist of women of varying degrees of fitness and body types exercising and not giving a shit about what others think. A noble cause. Wonderful stuff. The ads are everywhere - in print, on bus shelters, on a dirty great banner outside the local gym, and even on the National Lottery scratchcard video screen.

The ads look like this...





I trust you'll agree, these ads are quite brilliant and are to be applauded. No argument there.

But I am a mischievous little bugger, and I decided to make my own responses to these ads, because that's just what I'm like. I am not taking away from the This Girl Can campaign in any way, shape or form. I am simply mucking about. So please enjoy the fruits of my labours.












#ThisGirlCan

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Find Kaleidophone's Gear (Stop Me From Making Stupid Jokes Too)

People who know me are aware that I love a good joke, no matter how old and/or corny. If it raises a titter, it's for me. However, I have a dilemma. I thought of a joke today but in light of the circumstances in which I thought up the joke I am reluctant to tell it.

My good friends Kaleidophone whose music I have played on Into The Unknown (jeffhickmott.podomatic.com) and whom I witnessed live at Tentertainment recently (brilliant gig, by the way chaps!) have had all their gear stolen from their van. Normally they unload their van after each gig but this one night they did not. Next morning the stuff was gone, with no sign of forced entry. Not a funny situation. But without wanting to, a joke popped into my head (more on that later).

I'll let them tell the story.

HELP NEEDED! 
Thanks so much for all your help so far! Here is a list and photos of all the equipment stolen from our van in Maidstone in the early hours of Tuesday morning (14th July). Please share as without this equipment we can't gig and fulfil any of our bookings. If you see or hear anything please get in touch!

Fender American Telecaster light brown 
Fender American Jaguar 62 reissue 
Vox AC30 white 54 Anniversary edition 
Pedalboard Flight Case including various pedals; RAT, keeley compressor, T-Rex reverb, Tube screamer, Eventide Timefactor.
Fender Jazz Bass America (Natural/Cream) 
Novation Ultranova Keyboard in Flight Case 
Mackie DL1608 Digital Mixer in Flight Case
3 x Shure PSM200 IEM Systems 
Apple iPad 2nd Generation 
Pedal Board Flight Case including Big Fuzz Pedal, Boss Octave Pedal, TU2 Boss Tuner and Tap Tremolo LovePedal 
Small Flight Case with various audio cables.
Farida CT-30 guitar (prototype 1-off) and case. 
Vintage Fender Vibroverb Combo - Silverface (1970's) in an NSP flightcase. 
Gibson epiphone acoustic (1970's) 
Pedal Board Flight Case including Jet City Overdrive Pedal, Line 6 DL delay pedal and Boss Tuner.
Westone In ear monitors + wireless pack. 
Akai MPX8 sample trigger pad.
Pearl Free Floating Snare Drum + Hardcase 
Roland SPD-SX + Stand, Snare Drum Trigger (RT-10s) + Bass Drum Trigger (RT-10k) all in NSP Flight Case with distinctive red/pink internal foam. 
Westone In-Ear Monitors 
Iron Cobra Single Bass Drum Pedal in case. 
Drum hardware including Hi-hat Stand, snare Stand, 3 x Pearl Cymbal Stands, 3 x Sonor Tom Arms, 2 x Pearl Clamps, Gretsch Tom Arm, Gibralter Seat Base, Drum Stick Bag all in hardware case. 
Gretsch Catalina Club White Pearl 12”x9” Tom.





















Most of our gear was in NSP Flight Cases and some had 'Kaleidophone' stencilled on the case.

Thank you

Kaleidophone x


Kaleidophone Thanks everyone, we've just heard that 4 other vans were 

targeted within a mile or so of us. All with the same symptoms (no entry signs), 

apparently you can get a master key for transit vans! Just found a number of 

other area police force warnings that this has become an issue. Never heard of 

this until now! We do always unload our equipment, the night we don't...


Here's a link to Kent Police's website with the story. http://www.kent.police.uk/appeals/witness_appeals/pages/150716_maidstone_tra.html

Sad story, the band cannot gig without their stuff and some of this stuff is personal and irreplaceable.

So to make light of the situation by coming up with a joke revolving around a band having stuff stolen is in terribly poor taste.

But damn my brain, that's what it did.

I tried to suppress it, I really really did. I wish I hadn't thought of this joke.
But I did, so I apologise to you, the reader, to Kaleidophone, and also to any band that has suffered at the hands of equipment thieves in the history of the world ever.

Here is the joke. Feel free to vilify me at will.

"Thieves broke in to music rehearsal rooms last night, stealing all the wiring and cables. Police say they have no leads."

Please help me make this situation better by keeping a vigilant eye for any of Kaleidophone's property. I promise I will not make up any more stupid jokes.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Into the Unknown, 17

http://jeffhickmott.podomatic.com/entry/2015-07-14T07_04_55-07_00

More music from some fascinating people from all over the place.
Track listing
unknown 17
1. Pauline Vallance and Mark Malarkey (aka The Dreaded Lurgi) - An Englishman On Hearing An American Call The Tomato A Vegetable
3. Custom Synth - Frequent Night Flyer
www.customsynth.co.uk
6. d'Eon - Diving For E-Waste
D/L : smarturl.it/M4KIV
https://soundcloud.com/hipposintanks/sets/deon-music-for-keyboards-iv-1
7. 100% Max Akwaaba - Froggy organ
www.facebook.com/pages/100-Max-Akwaaba
8. fear of fears - Less0n 1n amb1ence
https://soundcloud.com/fear_of_fears
12. The Bear Around Your Neck - Miss Big Shiver Beach In The Rain

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Into The Unknown 16

http://jeffhickmott.podomatic.com/entry/2015-07-12T09_24_12-07_00

More music from around the globe with your host, Jeff Hickmott.
Track listing:
1. Jose Pancakes - Eyes
2. Kai Mata - Sorrow
Kaitlyn Matari, Los Angeles, United States
knmata​ri@gma​il.com
I Barely Passed soundcloud.com/kaimata/sets/i-barely-passed
4. 100% Max Akwaaba - Bongo macht frei
soundcloud.com/100-max-akwaaba
facebook.com/pages/100-Max-Akwaaba
5. Orbit-Stern - De Forbudte Trin (The Forbidden Steps)
http://orbitstern.com/
https://www.facebook.com/orbitstern
6. Drannic - Dead Season
Omsk, Russia
https://drannic.bandcamp.com/
7. Tante Meli - F**k What A Pain
@blue-black-sounds
@ingwerulez
8. The Screaming Moogs - Paint My Scenes
https://soundcloud.com/screaming-moogs
9. Guiville ft. Nazneen Rahman - The Race
www.na​zneenm​usic.c​om
www.guiville.com
10. Pretty Thieves - True Romance
11. Crash Nebula - Turn (demo)
Munich, Germany
nebula​onice@​gmail.​com
13. MyCheerleader - Drive My Car
14. Ruben Pech - Folsom Prison Blues
https://soundcloud.com/rubenpechaczek
15. fear of fears- What a n1ght! (j1ggery p0kery mix)
https://soundcloud.com/fear_of_fears

Into The Unknown 15

http://jeffhickmott.podomatic.com/entry/2015-06-30T13_57_42-07_00

EPISODE DESCRIPTION
Another healthy dose of rock, roll and a dash of butter from Jeff and his highly trained ears. Can you dig it?
Track listing:
1 - 15min Orchestra - SuperCrashingStar vs SuperEatableFlower Pt.2
Indie label based in Tokyo, Japan.
https://twitter.com/15minrecords
bit.ly​/1EknP​Fg
2- LetKolben - Dance with Charlotte original mix
adam [at] kommun​ikatio​n-reco​rds [dot] com
info [at] kommun​ikatio​n-reco​rds [dot] com
https://www.facebook.com/LetKolbenOfficial
http://letkolben.com/
3 - Custom Synth - Shaldon Pier
Newton Abbot
www.Cu​stomSy​nth.co​.uk
4 - Grunk_Prime - Chatsnap
5 -Sages - a daisy
Racquel Hardy
Orangeville, ON
https://soundcloud.com/sagessound
https://twitter.com/quelhard
6 - Bentcousin - Freak Scene ft.Kerwood
7 - Guiville - Golden ft. Bentcousin
Vocals & lyrics by bentcousin @bentcousin
Music & mix by Guiville @guiville
8 - The LimiƱanas - Liverpool
9 - the lost boy - The Morning Sun
10 - Pierre Vincent - The Silence
12 - Tokyo Hands - Villa Pad
13 - The X / Invasion Of Female Logic - Nichts
facebook.com/Invasion.Of.Female.Logic

Kaleidophone : Waterfall (Stone Roses cover), live at Tentertainment 2015

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