A Bit Of A Trial

This tickled me so much that I had to share it.

A man accused of attempted murder did nothing to help his cause when he sacked his legal team and launched into a tirade of profanities against the Judge.
David Baker was appearing at the Supreme Court of Queensland charged with the attempted murder of his girlfriend after he stabbed her in the heart in 2009.
The Australian notes at the preliminary hearing, Baker was informed that he would have to represent himself as he had fired his solicitor and his barrister had resigned.
Baker told the judge, Justice Martin Daubney, that he would find new representation but the Judge dismissed this suggestion.
According to Central Queensland News this rattled Baker who said: "Don't blooming start your sh**, right, mate."
Justice Daubney, who Baker referred to as "lardarse", "fatso" and "silly old c***", was than repeatedly interrupted by Baker.
During the short hearing, Baker managed to squeeze in over 80 s**ts, f**ks and f***in's and even a few c***s for good measure.
He was later found guilty of the crime and jailed for 15 years.
Scroll down for the full court transcript...

Justice Martin Daubney: I have been informed, Mr Baker, that you wish to dispense with the services of your solicitor and as a consequence of that your barrister is also seeking leave to withdraw, which means you will be self-represented for this trial. Do you understand that?
Baker: Yes.
Justice: So you'll be representing yourself for this trial, do you understand?
Baker: No, no way in the world.
Justice: Yes, way in the world.
Baker: I'll get a new solicitor and barrister.
Justice: No, you tried that last time, Mr Baker.
Baker: Look, now listen here, mate, you don't know what you're f***ing talking about.
Justice: Now you listen to me.
Baker: Don't blooming start your sh**, right, mate.
Justice: You listen here Mr Baker.
Baker: You weren't f***ing there so don't start your crap.
Justice: Mr Baker.
Baker: Were you there?
Justice: Mr Baker.
Baker: Were you there? Were you there? No you f***ing weren't.
Justice: Mr Baker.
Baker: Because the arseholes did the wrong thing. Right? Read your f***ing paragraph or scripts, mate. Don't start putting your f***ing heavy crap on me.
Justice: Now, Mr Baker...
Baker: You can get stuffed.
Justice: ...the trial will be...
Baker: I don't give a ...
Justice: ...proceeding....
Baker: ...f***, you and your trial mate. Stick your trial up your f***ing arse. I'll go.
Justice: Sit down please Mr Baker.
Baker: No, get stuffed.
Justice: Oh, all right. Now, Mr Baker, the trial will be proceeding. There is one matter that does need to be attended to. The principal witness for the Crown in this trial is a person who has the status of a ...
Baker: I don't even know why you're f***ing talking about mate. Talk in normal lingo, language.
Justice: The complainant in respect of the count of attempted murder is a person who ...
Baker: Who are you f***ing talking about?
Justice: ... is a...
Baker: Stop talking in riddles.
Justice: ... is a protected witness under the Evidence Act and for the purposes of the trial, you will not be ...
Baker: I don't know what you're f***ing talking about.
Justice: Well, if you stop shouting at me and listen to what I'm saying you might start understand.
Baker: What do you want me to f***ing do?
Justice: What I want you to do is stop swearing at me and listen to me.
Baker: I'm not going to f***ing stop swearing at you.
Justice: All right then, it's a matter for you.
Baker: Stick your f***ing trial up your ass.
Justice: That won't be happening to me.
Baker: I couldn't give a sh** mate.
Justice: Well, that's a matter for you.
Baker: Well you can start your trial and stick it up your arse cause I'm not having anything to do with it.
Justice: Sit down.
Baker: No you get f***ed.
Justice: Sit down.
Baker: Go and get f***ed.
Justice: Sit down, please.
Baker: I'm not f***ing doing what you say. Up you.
Justice: Sit down.
Baker: You're not going to f***ing tell me I'm going to be representing meself at all. I need legal aid. I need representation and not you and or any other f***ing arseholes gonna tell me anything different.
Justice: Sit down, please.
Baker: No, get stuffed.
Justice: If you don't sit down I'll have you manacled.
Baker: You can f***ing have what you like mate.
Justice: Corrective Services could you please restrain the accused..
Baker: F*** you.
Justice: Mr Bailiff, could you ask security to attend the court please.
Baker: Do what you f***ing like. I've got no representation so that's it I'm not listening. I don't give a damn what you say .
Justice: The next people entering the court are the court security staff.
Baker: Oh, what do you want me to do? What do you want, a Mickey Mouse badge?
Justice: No.
Baker: Stick it on your fat chest? Hey? What do you want? A Mickey Mouse badge. Come on fatso, what have you got to say for that?
Baker: Oh, the mouse has gone quiet.
Justice: Security could I ask you to take up positions immediately behind the accused. If he moves from that chair you are to assist the corrective services personnel in restraining him. You are not to move, do you understand me Mr Baker.
Baker: Get f****d.
Justice: Mr Baker, because (Margaret) Revesz ...
Baker: Listen here lardarse, no f*** you. I don't give a f***ing sh** what you say.
Justice: Because Ms R...
Baker: I don't give a sh** what you f***in' say.
Justice: ... is a protected witness ...
Baker: I'm telling you now you can get f***ed. All right?
Justice: ... the law requires ...
Baker: Are you stupid or what? I don't give a sh** what you f***in' say.
Justice: ... that I arrange for you to be given free legal assistance by Legal Aid.
Baker: I don't give a f***. I couldn't give a sh** what you say. What, are you deaf?
Justice: ... for the cross-examination of that protected witness....
Baker: Hey, lard arse, can't you f***in' hear me?
Justice: ... unless you arrange for legal representation ..
Baker: What are you deaf?
Justice: ... or unless you do not want that protected witness to be cross-examined.
Baker: What the f***in' talking about, I don't know what you're f***in' talking about, lard arse.
Justice: Is there anything that you want to say in relation to me making an order ...
Baker: Yeah, I don't know what you're f***in' talking about, you silly old c***.
Justice: Thank you for that submission, in which case I order...
Baker: Well, you can f***in' order what you like.
Justice: ... that Ms R...
Baker: Order me a f***in' pizza while you're at it.
Justice: ... is a protected witness for this proceeding ...
Baker: Who gives a sh**.
Baker: Wait, what are these two f***heads doing here then if they're not f***in' representing me?
Justice: I give you leave to withdraw. Thankyou both very much for your assistance.
Baker: Yeah, piss off. F***in dogs.
Some discussion about the trial opening...
Baker: What's this f***in' opening brief and that you're talking about, lardarse?
Justice: If your opening is going to be that short then you'll want to call the complainant pretty well straight away.
Crown prosecutor: That's so, yes. I would submit the most prudent course is perhaps to allow the panel to go and then look to empanelling them tomorrow.
Justice: Yes, all right then. Now, Mr Baker, you can continue to interrupt me or you can listen to what I'm going to say.
Baker: I don't give a f***, I need representation.
Justice: No we're beyond that stage.
Baker: No, hey, listen here you f***in' stupid old c***, I've got f***in' paperwork here, if you weren't so pigheaded and using your big f***in' fat lard arse, you might have f***in' read it before you f***in' jumped the gun, eh, but no, you had your f***in' cocking mates here going on like a two bob f***in' watch. I never said anything about f***in' Don MacKenzie. I had a complaint against Ken f***in' MacKenzie, right, not my barrister. I had nothing to complain about him, it was the other f***in' prick and I wrote you a letter to f***in' explain why.
Justice: was there anything else you wanted to say to me at the moment?
Baker: Yeah, why don't you f***in' read it and see why I wanted to - what was it - blimmin' to adjourn for a while. There was a f***in' reason for it.
Justice: No, there's no adjournments, Mr Baker, you've had ...
Baker: Well, I don't give a stuff. You can't f***in' sentence me or do anything because I'm doing a plea. The thing was when I got my plea overturned last f***in' time, did you read it, why - what happened was because the barrister and solicitor stuffed up. I was putting in a complaint about Ken MacKenzie not revealing the parts I needed for my trial but you wouldn't listen.
Justice: Thankyou for that information. Now what's going to happen is this ...
Baker: I don't give a sh** what happens, anyone comes in here, I'll f***in disturb and I'll run amok.
Justice: Not in my courtroom you won't.
Baker: Hey, don't f***in' tell me I f***in' won't mate.
Justice: Not in my courtroom you won't.
Baker: You think these f***in' jokers are going to worry me? Or the screws, what are you going to f***in' do?
Justice: Whether they worry you or not is a matter for you.
Baker: What are you going to f***in' do to me.
Justice: What I'm going to do to you is tell you that your trial is starting tomorrow.
Baker: Oh no f***in' way mate.
Justice: Oh yes, your trial is starting tomorrow.
Baker: You want a f***in' bet? You want a f***in' bet? I'll tell you what, I'll make a f***in' bet, I'll make a bet with you and I tell you what, you'll lose your f***in' fat arse. I'll put myself in medical, you c***. I'll f***in' slash up or I'll do something. You don't f***in' threaten me you f***in' dog.
Justice: You can take the accused down, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock.
Baker: no I f***in' won't, I tell you f***in' now, you f***in' lard arse.
Justice: Thank you for coming up gentleman, I'm grateful. I was actually called much worse things on the rugby paddock you know.

Classy.