Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I was stunned the other day when my girlfriend showed me a video on YouTube for a song that I had never heard. (Sound of needle skipping across grooves) "Wait! Hold the phone, Jeff! A song you've never heard? That cannot be!"

No, really. There are some. But that's not what's staggering about this fact.

"Well, what then?"

This song made the US Top Twenty. And was #1 in the UK. And is listed in the Guinness Book Of Records as the record holder for most expletives in a #1 song.


Yep. I'm talking about "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)" by Eamon. A song that starts out like your typical woo-woo-girl-shirt-off-oiled-chest-damn-u-fine-girl-R&B-Boyz-II-Men-Color-Me-Badd-type workout but rapidly degenerates into a stream of vitriol directed at Eamon's ho-bag ex-girlfriend, a spewing potty-mouthed essay of such hellish proportions it makes Snoop Dogg look positively tasteful. And it is this vile excuse for music that I blame for the awfulness that is music and TV today.

When I left the UK all those years ago, we had standards. You could only swear on TV after a certain time at night, and never ever ever  did you hear the word fuck on TV, even at 1 a.m. Otherwise you were bleeped out. These days, turn on the telly and George Carlin's "7 Words You Can Never Say On TV" seems like something quaint and twee, something sort of archaic and mildly whimsical that would be discussed over tea and finger sandwiches with your maiden aunt. It seems these days that you are allowed to say f*$%kin anything on telly, at any time.

Don't get me wrong. I am not averse to having a good old fashioned swear-up and curse-fest from time to time. I am not easily offended by simple words. But this is just a symptom of a larger phenomenon whereby everyone under the age of 25 seems to have been allowed to watch and listen to anything at any time of day or night, and what with all the satellite channels dishing out rubbish all the time, what they've been exposed to has made all of them as thick as a balsamic reduction of dog turds. That's right. When we were kids our mums would yell at us that the music we were listening to was too loud, had no words and was gonna make us stupid. Well, they weren't right, but they were clairvoyant. The music that people have been listening to for the last ten years or so actually is  making everyone stupider. Or should I say, more stupid. 

But it's not the only culprit. Oh no, not by a long chalk. Here's some other evidence of this global 'dumbification' (to use a Dubya-ism for a moment).

  • Texting. O RLY? Yes. Nd da ppl dat use txt-spk on their Facebook updates even though they don't need to.
  • The word 'blud', especially when used by people older than 18.
  • I hate to say it, but the Internet. And all the sad, useless crap on it.
  • Reality shows.
  • Talent (?) shows, and the people that participate in them. And the judges.
  • Jeremy Kyle's guests.
  • TV courtroom shows.
  • Tabloid papers and mags.
  • Wrestling.
  • Sharon Osbourne.
  • Extreme sports.
  • The success of people with names like Lil Jon  and Chingy. In fact, gangsta rap in general.
  • Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and all the other mutant beings over at FOX News.
  • Family Guy.
  • MTV, which should really change its name to NMTV (No Music Television) or perhaps SIDDSITNOETV (Stupid Idiots Doing Dumb Stuff In The Name Of Entertainment Television). Somebody getting kicked in the nuts is funny maybe twice. After that, it's just painful.
  • Steve Wilkos, Maury Povich and Tyra Banks.
  • Bush got elected twice. Twice!!
  • Lost, Sex & The City and Prison Break.
  • Fantasy Football.
  • Yu-Gi-Oh! and Bakugan and Dragonball-Z and all that anime/manga shit. I'm sorry, but it all looks like Battle Of The Planets to me. Trans-mute!!
  • Supernanny, Wife Swap and Nanny 911.
  • Talk radio. All of it.
  • Sports talk radio, even worse.
  • Magazines like FHM, Maxim, and Nuts.
  • David Cameron.
  • Gordon Brown.
  • The fact that someone named Ed Balls has any bloody position of responsibility whatsoever.
  • Coach Trip.
  • In The Night Garden. No, I do not want to get aboard the Ninky Nonk, no matter what you say.

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