Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Saying A Mouthful

Here in the UK we have a range of ice creams made by Wall's called Magnum. There are many flavours, and they are all freakin' delicious. However, I have one problem with them.

Their commercials.

Because Wall's seems to be under the impression that the best way to sell ice creams to people is to try to convince them that the outer layer of chocolate on each Magnum is so thick that the simple act of biting into one will produce a sound not unlike breaking rocks. With your teeth. An almost clip-cloppy coconut sound combined with a crunch.

And I have eaten many a Magnum. So I can tell you from personal experience that biting into a Magnum scarcely makes a sound. So that's problem number one.

Problem number two is that it simply does my head in  to think that anyone would hear that awful sound and think to themselves, "Wow, I sure could use an ice cream about now." That anybody on Earth would find that sound attractive or even vaguely pleasant just about defeats me. And EVERY Magnum commercial has that sound in it.

I don't think I'm alone when I say that I DON'T LIKE MOUTH NOISES. The only ones I have no issue with are my own. Anybody makes a loud chewing or slurping sound near me, I don't say anything but I secretly want to hurt them.

My first wife, bless her, was fond of iced mochas. When I procured an espresso maker (no, not a Keurig or a Tassimo or a George Clooney machine - this was in the mid-90's, We had to buy the beans whole, grind them ourselves, put it in the machine, fill up the water reservoir and stand there and watch it while it did its thing so we could turn on the steaming wand at the right moment and actually make OUR OWN FRIGGIN' COFFEE, not like today where you just haphazardly bung a little plastic doo-dah in the top and Hey Presto! Voluto! No, times were 'ard back then. Very passable, this Chateau de Chassily) she would have me make these giant iced mochas in massive cups saved from getting fast food from Taco Bell or similar, or the humongous insulated cups they give you in hospitals from which to sip your iced water, and she would make them last all day. We worked together from home at this point. Eventually there would come a point at which she would run out of liquid to consume and start chewing the ice cubes. Loudly. One at a time. And as nice a person as she is, I seriously wanted to smack her upside the head whenever she did this. Which was a lot. Thankfully, I restrained myself.

That was when my young son (now a big chap of 24) developed a liking for hard candies. He'd crunch to his heart's content on boiled sweets and gobstoppers with all the abandon he could muster. I swear he installed a miniature marshall stack of amps in his mouth somewhere. Imagine Robert Plant with banks and banks of enormous amps behind him, confidently striding god-like up to the mic, popping a Nuttall's Mintoe in his cakehole and chewing like billy-oh. Behind him is Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones, each wrestling with a Mint Imperial, and in the back, the ghost of John "Bonzo" Bonham sits, sticks in hand, ready to kick in with a primal beat, grinding away on a handful of Polos.


I get a similar effect from commercials for Poli-Grip or Fixodent. In order to prove how well this goopy shit sticks your false teeth to your mouth, they always show some idiot biting into an apple. Loudly. They've been doing it since the 60's at least.

And here, for my money, is the worst offender. It makes me want to cut my ears off and set fire to them in the hopes that the pain will distract me from the noise. It probably wouldn't, though.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

These People Can't

According to the Sport England "This Girl Can" website, 
' This Girl Can is a national campaign developed by Sport England and a wide range of partnership organisations. It's a celebration of active women up and down the country who are doing their thing no matter how well they do it, how they look or even how red their face gets.'
The ads are quite cleverly done, and consist of women of varying degrees of fitness and body types exercising and not giving a shit about what others think. A noble cause. Wonderful stuff. The ads are everywhere - in print, on bus shelters, on a dirty great banner outside the local gym, and even on the National Lottery scratchcard video screen.

The ads look like this...

I trust you'll agree, these ads are quite brilliant and are to be applauded. No argument there.

But I am a mischievous little bugger, and I decided to make my own responses to these ads, because that's just what I'm like. I am not taking away from the This Girl Can campaign in any way, shape or form. I am simply mucking about. So please enjoy the fruits of my labours.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

Find Kaleidophone's Gear (Stop Me From Making Stupid Jokes Too)

People who know me are aware that I love a good joke, no matter how old and/or corny. If it raises a titter, it's for me. However, I have a dilemma. I thought of a joke today but in light of the circumstances in which I thought up the joke I am reluctant to tell it.

My good friends Kaleidophone whose music I have played on Into The Unknown ( and whom I witnessed live at Tentertainment recently (brilliant gig, by the way chaps!) have had all their gear stolen from their van. Normally they unload their van after each gig but this one night they did not. Next morning the stuff was gone, with no sign of forced entry. Not a funny situation. But without wanting to, a joke popped into my head (more on that later).

I'll let them tell the story.

Thanks so much for all your help so far! Here is a list and photos of all the equipment stolen from our van in Maidstone in the early hours of Tuesday morning (14th July). Please share as without this equipment we can't gig and fulfil any of our bookings. If you see or hear anything please get in touch!

Fender American Telecaster light brown 
Fender American Jaguar 62 reissue 
Vox AC30 white 54 Anniversary edition 
Pedalboard Flight Case including various pedals; RAT, keeley compressor, T-Rex reverb, Tube screamer, Eventide Timefactor.
Fender Jazz Bass America (Natural/Cream) 
Novation Ultranova Keyboard in Flight Case 
Mackie DL1608 Digital Mixer in Flight Case
3 x Shure PSM200 IEM Systems 
Apple iPad 2nd Generation 
Pedal Board Flight Case including Big Fuzz Pedal, Boss Octave Pedal, TU2 Boss Tuner and Tap Tremolo LovePedal 
Small Flight Case with various audio cables.
Farida CT-30 guitar (prototype 1-off) and case. 
Vintage Fender Vibroverb Combo - Silverface (1970's) in an NSP flightcase. 
Gibson epiphone acoustic (1970's) 
Pedal Board Flight Case including Jet City Overdrive Pedal, Line 6 DL delay pedal and Boss Tuner.
Westone In ear monitors + wireless pack. 
Akai MPX8 sample trigger pad.
Pearl Free Floating Snare Drum + Hardcase 
Roland SPD-SX + Stand, Snare Drum Trigger (RT-10s) + Bass Drum Trigger (RT-10k) all in NSP Flight Case with distinctive red/pink internal foam. 
Westone In-Ear Monitors 
Iron Cobra Single Bass Drum Pedal in case. 
Drum hardware including Hi-hat Stand, snare Stand, 3 x Pearl Cymbal Stands, 3 x Sonor Tom Arms, 2 x Pearl Clamps, Gretsch Tom Arm, Gibralter Seat Base, Drum Stick Bag all in hardware case. 
Gretsch Catalina Club White Pearl 12”x9” Tom.

Most of our gear was in NSP Flight Cases and some had 'Kaleidophone' stencilled on the case.

Thank you

Kaleidophone x

Kaleidophone Thanks everyone, we've just heard that 4 other vans were 

targeted within a mile or so of us. All with the same symptoms (no entry signs), 

apparently you can get a master key for transit vans! Just found a number of 

other area police force warnings that this has become an issue. Never heard of 

this until now! We do always unload our equipment, the night we don't...

Here's a link to Kent Police's website with the story.

Sad story, the band cannot gig without their stuff and some of this stuff is personal and irreplaceable.

So to make light of the situation by coming up with a joke revolving around a band having stuff stolen is in terribly poor taste.

But damn my brain, that's what it did.

I tried to suppress it, I really really did. I wish I hadn't thought of this joke.
But I did, so I apologise to you, the reader, to Kaleidophone, and also to any band that has suffered at the hands of equipment thieves in the history of the world ever.

Here is the joke. Feel free to vilify me at will.

"Thieves broke in to music rehearsal rooms last night, stealing all the wiring and cables. Police say they have no leads."

Please help me make this situation better by keeping a vigilant eye for any of Kaleidophone's property. I promise I will not make up any more stupid jokes.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Into the Unknown, 17

More music from some fascinating people from all over the place.
Track listing
unknown 17
1. Pauline Vallance and Mark Malarkey (aka The Dreaded Lurgi) - An Englishman On Hearing An American Call The Tomato A Vegetable
3. Custom Synth - Frequent Night Flyer
6. d'Eon - Diving For E-Waste
D/L :
7. 100% Max Akwaaba - Froggy organ
8. fear of fears - Less0n 1n amb1ence
12. The Bear Around Your Neck - Miss Big Shiver Beach In The Rain

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Into The Unknown 16

More music from around the globe with your host, Jeff Hickmott.
Track listing:
1. Jose Pancakes - Eyes
2. Kai Mata - Sorrow
Kaitlyn Matari, Los Angeles, United States
I Barely Passed
4. 100% Max Akwaaba - Bongo macht frei
5. Orbit-Stern - De Forbudte Trin (The Forbidden Steps)
6. Drannic - Dead Season
Omsk, Russia
7. Tante Meli - F**k What A Pain
8. The Screaming Moogs - Paint My Scenes
9. Guiville ft. Nazneen Rahman - The Race​zneenm​usic.c​om
10. Pretty Thieves - True Romance
11. Crash Nebula - Turn (demo)
Munich, Germany
13. MyCheerleader - Drive My Car
14. Ruben Pech - Folsom Prison Blues
15. fear of fears- What a n1ght! (j1ggery p0kery mix)

Into The Unknown 15

Another healthy dose of rock, roll and a dash of butter from Jeff and his highly trained ears. Can you dig it?
Track listing:
1 - 15min Orchestra - SuperCrashingStar vs SuperEatableFlower Pt.2
Indie label based in Tokyo, Japan.​/1EknP​Fg
2- LetKolben - Dance with Charlotte original mix
adam [at] kommun​ikatio​n-reco​rds [dot] com
info [at] kommun​ikatio​n-reco​rds [dot] com
3 - Custom Synth - Shaldon Pier
Newton Abbot
4 - Grunk_Prime - Chatsnap
5 -Sages - a daisy
Racquel Hardy
Orangeville, ON
6 - Bentcousin - Freak Scene ft.Kerwood
7 - Guiville - Golden ft. Bentcousin
Vocals & lyrics by bentcousin @bentcousin
Music & mix by Guiville @guiville
8 - The Limiñanas - Liverpool
9 - the lost boy - The Morning Sun
10 - Pierre Vincent - The Silence
12 - Tokyo Hands - Villa Pad
13 - The X / Invasion Of Female Logic - Nichts

Kaleidophone : Waterfall (Stone Roses cover), live at Tentertainment 2015

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Simon Says

This is Simon Raymonde.
He might look more familiar to you like this, when he was a Cocteau Twin.

Raymonde began his career as bassist for London-based post-punk band Drowning Craze, who released three singles on Situation 2: "Storage Case" (1981), "Trance" (1981) and "Heat" (1982).

In 1984, Raymonde joined Cocteau Twins, filling the void left by the departed bassist Will Heggie. He remained as a core writer in the band until its dissolution in 1997. As well as his work with Cocteau Twins, he also contributed to the first two albums by This Mortal Coil, another 4AD project.

Raymonde's debut solo album, Blame Someone Else, was released in 1997, and featured contributions from Elizabeth Fraser of Cocteau Twins.

Raymonde runs the Bella Union record label, which has released music by Fleet Foxes, Treefight For Sunlight, I Break Horses, John Grant, Laura Veirs, Midlake, Lift to Experience, Howling Bells, Stephanie Dosen, Beach House, Hannah Cohen, Dirty Three, Marques Toliver, The Low Anthem, Veronica Falls, Vetiver, Andrew Bird, J Tillman, Wavves, Abe Vigoda, Peter Broderick, Department of Eagles, Zun Zun Egui, Lanterns on the Lake, Alessi's Ark, Sleeping States, The Dears, Explosions in the Sky, Fionn Regan, Cashier No 9, Jonathan Wilson and Philip Selway.

Here in the UK we pay a TV licence fee, which goes to fund the output of the BBC. The BBC, as you know, is a non-commercial organisation. On BBC TV (BBC 1, BBC 2, BBC Three, BBC Four, BBC local news, BBC Wales, BBC Scotland, BBC Northern Ireland, BBC Alba) there are no ads. Films are shown in their entirety with no interruption. The same concept goes for BBC Radio (Radio 1, Radio 2, 3, 4, 5live, 6music, and all the local radio stations, not to mention World Service). No ads, just content.

A lot of people in this country resent paying a licence fee. You hear the same old argument all the time. "Nothing but bloody rubbish on the telly, not worth the licence fee". "Nothing but repeats, is this what we pay the licence fee for?"

The Government seems bound and determined to cut funding to the BBC, scrap the licence fee, and open the doors to more crappy commercial stations. In my mind this is just like privatisation. When the Tories sold off British Telecom and let every tuppenny-ha'penny upstart phone company in, things gradually went to shit. Same goes for everything else they've privatised so they and their buddies can make a fast buck.

PM David Cameron the other day reportedly made remarks to the effect that he seeks to shut down Auntie Beeb.

So what has this got to do with Simon Raymonde?  Well, just this morning, he said this on his Facebook feed...

"The more the BBC’s licence fee is diminished, the less excellent the BBC’s service, the less public support it will receive, the smaller it will become. There are some who welcome that: it means more rents in the fabric through which commerce can squeeze." 
We have to watch this carefully. Critics of the license fee need to be aware of the cultural implications of it being cut or cauterized.
We all know it's (the BBC) not perfect but it IS PRECIOUS, for so many reasons i am too lazy to highlight. But in simple terms, watch ITV for 5 minutes.
What this piece doesn't mention is BBC5Live Extra and Test Match Special. A summer/winter without Jonathan Agnew is unthinkable i have to say. Oh i can hear you groan now, "not that upper class twits sport cricket!" It most certainly isn't though this piece will help you make up your own mind
If you smoke 20 a day, you're paying around £9 for the pleasure.
If you drink a casual 2 pints of ale a day, you're paying around £7 for the pleasure.
Culturally your smoking & drinking isn't really aiding my life in any way. But you are free to do it.
For 40p a day, WE ALL (and thats the point right there) get to listen/watch/interact with so many facets of British life across the stations and channels. To reduce the power of the BBC is to give in further to the dumbing down of our culture. That's just a fact.

Well said, Simon.
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