As many of you may have noticed, I have become heavily into podcasting! it's a lot of fun and allows me to play my favourite music, explore new music and to make something that sounds cool without the need for an engineering degree or years of thankless internships at radio stations. It's that whole punk rock DIY ethic: use whatever is available to you and, in the words of the great Laurie Anderson, "let your tools show you what they can do".
I am also a fanatical Christmas nut: so much so that I've done several holiday-themed shows this year. Here, in one handy compendium, are the links to all of those shows for you to binge-listen to, like an audio equivalent to a box set on Sky.
...in which I get comfy in my high backed leather armchair next to a roaring fire, with a large festive drink in my hand, turn on the stereogram and play a selection of my favourite Xmas tunes, guaranteed to make you feel all misty and wistful and warm and contented. Pull up a La-Z-Boy and chill with Jeff.
...in which we play some Christmassy bits, some regular bits, and a couple of New Year's numbers. Happy New Year everyone!
I'd like to invite everyone to listen to these while there's still time, and please, follow me on Podomatic, Mixcloud and Mixlr, and while you're at it, head over to my Podcast Of Jeff pages on Facebook and Twitter!
So, both The Daily Snail and The Scum newspapers this morning are screaming banner headlines about how the risk of death due to obesity and the risk of death due to terrorism are about equal. (Oh, how they like scaremongering. Gee, thanks, Mr. Murdoch, you enormous tool.)
Er, bullshit?
Even a simple Google search blows that theory out of the water. Last year the amount of terrorism-related fatalities was not quite 38,000. GLOBALLY.
And last year, the amount of obesity-related deaths was 300,000 IN THE U.S. ALONE.
So, yeah. Baloney.
But the question that naturally arises from this, of course, is what is the correlation between the two? When did you last see a fat terrorist?
Has this scenario ever cropped up in the mountain hideouts and crummy apartments where (we are led to believe) all terrorists spring from?
"It's no good, Mick.* I can't get my suicide jacket to zip up."
"Well, you keep eating those takeaways and cooking those massive fried breakfasts, you fat bastard. It's no wonder!"
So, next year's alternative diet. Eat like a terrorist and watch those pounds melt away. I can see it now on QVC...
"So, forage for a handful of nuts and berries to make a delicious complement to your daily ration of rice, and watch those pounds melt away! Of course, you will eventually be required to firebomb a branch of Spud-U-Like or strap on a belt fashioned elegantly from plastic explosive and duct tape, and walk into a busy shopping centre and detonate yourself, but that near-feral lifestyle and hipster beard you'll grow mean you are guaranteed to look great and feel fit while doing it!"
*The usage of the name "Mick" in the above scenario is purely coincidental and is not intended to imply that all terrorists are Irish, or indeed male. The name chosen could just as easily have been Barney, Fred, Wilma or even Muammar. We apologise if there are any people out there named Mick who found this article offensive.
My daughter Rosie has recently turned three years old, and she is one smart cookie. Anything technological represents no obstacle to Rosie, and on many an occasion we have remarked with wonderment and amazement at her ability to elicit unusual results from the TV or Sky remote simply by touching or throwing it. She'll pick up the remote or even just move it to one side and suddenly we're watching something on the Nigerian channel. She has also mastered Mum's phone upon which she regularly plays with My Talking Angela, a more recent sequel to the games My Talking Ben and My Talking Tom. Not familiar with these games? Look them up, download them, install them on your phone and become hopelessly addicted to feeding, petting washing and putting to bed an animated anthropomorphic cat. You can't do that with Ben, but he's my favourite because of what he does when you ring his phone for him.
However, Rosie has graduated from such things and is now more interested in using Mum's tablet, a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2.
Initially, she was able to play some kid-friendly games and she was happy with that. Recently, however, she has become au fait with the vagaries of YouTube, and has discovered some truly bizarro channels in which grown adults will play with kids' toys on a regular basis while talking in a chirpy annoying Midwestern accent.
What's that ya say? Surely they cannot all be weird? Oh, believe me, once you see them, you will have some headscratching moments of gobsmackedness to come. Give you an example or two? How did I know you were going to ask that?
Let's start you off gently. Here's an example from the Epic Toy Channel...
Then there's the Engineering Family, who apparently have 500,000 subscribers and over 500m monthly views. And tell me I'm wrong but Mr. Engineer (the dad) sounds a bit like Seth Rogen to me. Like Seth Rogen if he was a strange childcare provider.
The Engineering Family also do quite a lot of videos in which they open Kinder Surprise eggs and find out what toys are in them (impending sarcasm warning!!). And yes, that IS as fascinating as it sounds. However, they are not the only ones that do this.
To me, these things are like watching those awful 'unboxing' videos...
*stifles yawn*
Then Rosie seems to have stumbled upon another weird YouTube phenomenon, the proliferation of "Finger Family" videos. You remember the song from preschool, "Peter Pointer, Peter Pointer, where are you?", which is a knockoff in itself of the old nursery rhyme "Where is Thumbkin?".
Well, these people seem to have taken the concept and made it into Finger Family. Mummy Finger, Daddy Finger, Brother Finger etc. and so on and so forth. There are a bunch of those out there, which is odd, since most kids know where their fingers are and don't need to be told a bunch of times. But some have taken it a step further by adding little finger puppets and/or animations into the videos and turning it into something else entirely. For example, I saw one that was a 'superhero' themed video, so there was Hulk Finger alongside Wolverine Finger and Batman Finger. Here is an example, but proceed with caution - what has been seen cannot be unseen.
She's also become a fan of Teletubbies through YouTube, but seems to enjoy watching foreign versions of it.
Indonesian...
and Polish.
Then there is the utterly strange Booya channel. These videos are in a league of their own. They take kids' nursery rhymes and create Halloween-related versions of them.
Yep.
The problem is, especially in the case above, the rhymes are not there. What I mean by that is that Five Little Monkeys Jumping On The Bed works because 'bed' rhymes with 'bumped his head'. Seriously, does five little zombies jumping on the grave work for you? Because I have a major problem with this sort of thing. America, I am sad to say, does that a lot. There used to be a phenomenon in the 90s when I was working in childcare called Piggyback Songs, where in order to teach the concept you were trying to teach, you'd turn it into a song by writing new lyrics to an older song such as Wheels On The Bus or Old MacDonald and using the theory that kids learn better to music to hope that it works. Trouble is, if a kid hears a tune he is familiar with, he only knows the old words, so putting new words to old tunes does not work.
Sometimes these videos blend together...
..this is all kinds of messed up.
However, with my help, Rosie has become a fan of Veggie Tales. Not the story parts, just Silly Songs With Larry. Here's her favourite...
I just want to take a moment to address all those British folks that like chorizo. You know, the spicy Spanish sausage. Now that we are multiculturally aware and have seen a few episodes of Jamie Oliver and other top TV chefs at work we feel we are well versed in diverse culinary delights. Well versed enough to actually pronounce the word "chorizo". Well, I'm here to tell you, British people, you can't. Oh, you think you can, don't you? You confidently attempt it, savouring the syllables as they roll off your Anglo-Saxon tongue. "CHO-RITZ-O", you say, trying to appear worldly and cosmopolitan. You actually are looking like a bit of a prat.
It's not CHO-RITZ-O. Not by a long shot. Sorry to have to burst your bubble and all, but I think you need to know. If you don't stop saying it that way, I might go out of my mind. Some folks think I am already at that point, but I don't actually care about anyone else's opinion.
The correct pronunciation? Well, in Spanish, the letter Z is pronounced as an S. Even more so in Mexico, where it is practically hissed. CHO-REESS-O.
Only in Italian does a Z do that 'there's an invisible T in there somewhere' thing, and only if there's two of them. Think PIZZA, PIAZZA, MEZZOFORTE, etc.
So are we clear now? Chorizo is pronounced CHO-REESS-O. Not CHO-RITZ-O. Got it?
Last time on the Puzzler I asked you all what The Prodigy's first big hit was, in 1991. Well, so as not to keep you all in suspenders any longer...
Of course it was Charly!
Peaking at number three after entering the UK chart at number 9, Charly re-entered the chart again in 1996 (after Firestarter became a hit), and then again in 2004 (when the song was made available for digital download).
Next question...
One of the samples contained within Charly is part of the intro from James Brown's 1988 effort "Godfather Runnin' The Joint".
One of the most frequently sampled rhythmic breaks is from a James Brown tune from 1970. The drum break is performed by Clyde Stubblefield on the track. Can you name the track?
Simon Gillham (L) and Simon Fellowes (R) aka Intaferon.
You may or may not remember them - it really doesn't matter (although if you don't remember them, you missed out big time). What does matter is that I did some extensive research (or so I thought) and put together a show in which I talked about the band's output and what became of them after they broke up in 1985. All of which you can hear about if you listen to the show (link above - hint, hint). Simon Fellowes is now a novelist and has published two books which are available via his publisher's website at http://www.stratabooks.co.uk/store/ It turns out, through reading about Simon F on the Strata Books website, that last year he recorded a new album called Live It All Again. The website included links to the album at https://soundcloud.com/strataentertainment/sets/simon-f-live-it-all-again. When I went there and listened, I clicked 'like' on one track, which then pinged to my Twitter feed. Strata Books noticed it and sent me a tweet saying had I read a short true story by Simon entitled Woodwork & Psychos on the website about the making of the album? http://www.stratabooks.co.uk/read/woodwork-and-psychos-by-simon-fellowes/ I tweeted back and said yes, I had, and sent them a link to the podcast. Well. Simon Fellowes then gets wind of it, and messages Simon Gillham, who as far as I knew had retired from the music world and was now teaching philosophy. Simon Gillham then sent me an email. When I saw the name Simon Gillham in my inbox, I was giddy with delight. One half of Intaferon was writing to me! If you'll indulge me, here are some highlights. "Simon F told me about your podcast. Nice to hear it. You may be interested to know that I've started making music again too, under the name used to. You can see the video for the latest single Festival of Disappointment at this link. Interestingly, the second verse tells the Intaferon story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcaftXXss7o It's out in a couple of weeks but available on Spotify now. There was also a single earlier in the year called We Can Deal With The Detail Later. Most of the first used to album is finished and when we get round to mixing it we'll put it out. There's a fairly rubbish website at www.usedto.co.uk. And yes, I still teach philosophy at Colchester. Nice to know there are some actual Intaferon fans out there. I'm still one myself. Cheers, Simon PS, if you can post links on your site I'd be grateful." Well Simon, consider the links posted. I wrote back to gush say how amazing it was to have him write to me, and I am still, several hours later, in awe. How amazing is that?
Here in the UK we have a range of ice creams made by Wall's called Magnum. There are many flavours, and they are all freakin' delicious. However, I have one problem with them.
Their commercials.
Because Wall's seems to be under the impression that the best way to sell ice creams to people is to try to convince them that the outer layer of chocolate on each Magnum is so thick that the simple act of biting into one will produce a sound not unlike breaking rocks. With your teeth. An almost clip-cloppy coconut sound combined with a crunch.
And I have eaten many a Magnum. So I can tell you from personal experience that biting into a Magnum scarcely makes a sound. So that's problem number one.
Problem number two is that it simply does my head in to think that anyone would hear that awful sound and think to themselves, "Wow, I sure could use an ice cream about now." That anybody on Earth would find that sound attractive or even vaguely pleasant just about defeats me. And EVERY Magnum commercial has that sound in it.
I don't think I'm alone when I say that I DON'T LIKE MOUTH NOISES. The only ones I have no issue with are my own. Anybody makes a loud chewing or slurping sound near me, I don't say anything but I secretly want to hurt them.
My first wife, bless her, was fond of iced mochas. When I procured an espresso maker (no, not a Keurig or a Tassimo or a George Clooney machine - this was in the mid-90's, We had to buy the beans whole, grind them ourselves, put it in the machine, fill up the water reservoir and stand there and watch it while it did its thing so we could turn on the steaming wand at the right moment and actually make OUR OWN FRIGGIN' COFFEE, not like today where you just haphazardly bung a little plastic doo-dah in the top and Hey Presto! Voluto! No, times were 'ard back then. Very passable, this Chateau de Chassily) she would have me make these giant iced mochas in massive cups saved from getting fast food from Taco Bell or similar, or the humongous insulated cups they give you in hospitals from which to sip your iced water, and she would make them last all day. We worked together from home at this point. Eventually there would come a point at which she would run out of liquid to consume and start chewing the ice cubes. Loudly. One at a time. And as nice a person as she is, I seriously wanted to smack her upside the head whenever she did this. Which was a lot. Thankfully, I restrained myself.
That was when my young son (now a big chap of 24) developed a liking for hard candies. He'd crunch to his heart's content on boiled sweets and gobstoppers with all the abandon he could muster. I swear he installed a miniature marshall stack of amps in his mouth somewhere. Imagine Robert Plant with banks and banks of enormous amps behind him, confidently striding god-like up to the mic, popping a Nuttall's Mintoe in his cakehole and chewing like billy-oh. Behind him is Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones, each wrestling with a Mint Imperial, and in the back, the ghost of John "Bonzo" Bonham sits, sticks in hand, ready to kick in with a primal beat, grinding away on a handful of Polos.
Aaaaargh.
I get a similar effect from commercials for Poli-Grip or Fixodent. In order to prove how well this goopy shit sticks your false teeth to your mouth, they always show some idiot biting into an apple. Loudly. They've been doing it since the 60's at least.
And here, for my money, is the worst offender. It makes me want to cut my ears off and set fire to them in the hopes that the pain will distract me from the noise. It probably wouldn't, though.
According to the Sport England "This Girl Can" website,
' This Girl Can is a national campaign developed by Sport England and a wide range of partnership organisations. It's a celebration of active women up and down the country who are doing their thing no matter how well they do it, how they look or even how red their face gets.'
The ads are quite cleverly done, and consist of women of varying degrees of fitness and body types exercising and not giving a shit about what others think. A noble cause. Wonderful stuff. The ads are everywhere - in print, on bus shelters, on a dirty great banner outside the local gym, and even on the National Lottery scratchcard video screen.
The ads look like this...
I trust you'll agree, these ads are quite brilliant and are to be applauded. No argument there.
But I am a mischievous little bugger, and I decided to make my own responses to these ads, because that's just what I'm like. I am not taking away from the This Girl Can campaign in any way, shape or form. I am simply mucking about. So please enjoy the fruits of my labours.
People who know me are aware that I love a good joke, no matter how old and/or corny. If it raises a titter, it's for me. However, I have a dilemma. I thought of a joke today but in light of the circumstances in which I thought up the joke I am reluctant to tell it.
My good friends Kaleidophone whose music I have played on Into The Unknown (jeffhickmott.podomatic.com) and whom I witnessed live at Tentertainment recently (brilliant gig, by the way chaps!) have had all their gear stolen from their van. Normally they unload their van after each gig but this one night they did not. Next morning the stuff was gone, with no sign of forced entry. Not a funny situation. But without wanting to, a joke popped into my head (more on that later).
I'll let them tell the story.
HELP NEEDED! Thanks so much for all your help so far! Here is a list and photos of all the equipment stolen from our van in Maidstone in the early hours of Tuesday morning (14th July). Please share as without this equipment we can't gig and fulfil any of our bookings. If you see or hear anything please get in touch! Fender American Telecaster light brown Fender American Jaguar 62 reissue Vox AC30 white 54 Anniversary edition Pedalboard Flight Case including various pedals; RAT, keeley compressor, T-Rex reverb, Tube screamer, Eventide Timefactor. Fender Jazz Bass America (Natural/Cream) Novation Ultranova Keyboard in Flight Case Mackie DL1608 Digital Mixer in Flight Case 3 x Shure PSM200 IEM Systems Apple iPad 2nd Generation Pedal Board Flight Case including Big Fuzz Pedal, Boss Octave Pedal, TU2 Boss Tuner and Tap Tremolo LovePedal Small Flight Case with various audio cables. Farida CT-30 guitar (prototype 1-off) and case. Vintage Fender Vibroverb Combo - Silverface (1970's) in an NSP flightcase. Gibson epiphone acoustic (1970's) Pedal Board Flight Case including Jet City Overdrive Pedal, Line 6 DL delay pedal and Boss Tuner. Westone In ear monitors + wireless pack. Akai MPX8 sample trigger pad. Pearl Free Floating Snare Drum + Hardcase Roland SPD-SX + Stand, Snare Drum Trigger (RT-10s) + Bass Drum Trigger (RT-10k) all in NSP Flight Case with distinctive red/pink internal foam. Westone In-Ear Monitors Iron Cobra Single Bass Drum Pedal in case. Drum hardware including Hi-hat Stand, snare Stand, 3 x Pearl Cymbal Stands, 3 x Sonor Tom Arms, 2 x Pearl Clamps, Gretsch Tom Arm, Gibralter Seat Base, Drum Stick Bag all in hardware case. Gretsch Catalina Club White Pearl 12”x9” Tom.
Most of our gear was in NSP Flight Cases and some had 'Kaleidophone' stencilled on the case. Thank you Kaleidophone x KaleidophoneThanks everyone, we've just heard that 4 other vans were targeted within a mile or so of us. All with the same symptoms (no entry signs), apparently you can get a master key for transit vans! Just found a number of other area police force warnings that this has become an issue. Never heard of this until now! We do always unload our equipment, the night we don't... Here's a link to Kent Police's website with the story. http://www.kent.police.uk/appeals/witness_appeals/pages/150716_maidstone_tra.html
Sad story, the band cannot gig without their stuff and some of this stuff is personal and irreplaceable.
So to make light of the situation by coming up with a joke revolving around a band having stuff stolen is in terribly poor taste.
But damn my brain, that's what it did.
I tried to suppress it, I really really did. I wish I hadn't thought of this joke.
But I did, so I apologise to you, the reader, to Kaleidophone, and also to any band that has suffered at the hands of equipment thieves in the history of the world ever.
Here is the joke. Feel free to vilify me at will.
"Thieves broke in to music rehearsal rooms last night, stealing all the wiring and cables. Police say they have no leads."
Please help me make this situation better by keeping a vigilant eye for any of Kaleidophone's property. I promise I will not make up any more stupid jokes.
