Weird Thoughts

Sometimes I have thoughts that, to me at least, seem normal. To other people, not so much. Like the thought I am about to lay on you hep cats and cool chicks right now.

I was in the shower the other day, mainly because I needed a good wash, but also because when I'm in the shower I find I can actually think. It's nice and peaceful in there, and I find my mind wanders. And when it wanders, I think of things that are interesting, funny, but a bit weird. So prepare yourself.

The thought I had was this: It doesn't matter what age your computer is, if you are trying to open a web page, the more important and useful the website, the slower it is likely to load. It is a strange conspiracy that is somehow hard-wired into the inner workings of the Interwebs. There is some piece of code somewhere that ensures that Gmail will take forever to load, while Angry Birds opens in an instant, no matter whether your machine is a brand-new iMac or a steam-driven piece of crap running Windows 3.1.

Conversely, the more trivial, pointless, or pornographic the web page, then the harder it will be to close it.

Computing speed has no bearing on it. It makes not one iota of difference that you bought your brand-new top-of-the-line PC or Mac yesterday. If you're trying to close a page in a hurry for some reason - say for example your boss is about to stroll past your desk as you're surfing the Intertubes (hey, I'm not saying you do that, but some people do) then the page you have open had better be Hotmail or NPR.org or something useful, because if you're watching one-legged midget stripper clowns on acid doing naughty sexy time, as soon as you click the little red X you will see popup (DouchebagDating.com) after popup (You've won an iPod! This no joke! You are fo sho the 999,999th person to click on this page!!!!!!) appear, coupled with the old egg-timer icon and perhaps a little window saying Really? You want to leave this page?? Good grief man, what's wrong with you?? , all of which will be floating above the midget clowns doing naughty things to each other's naughty bits, and your employer will know that you are perhaps NOT Employee of the Month. Not only that, but the more extreme and bizarre the website, the slower the pages close. You are comparatively safe with Teen Sexpots and Horny Housewives. But get stronger than that and you are going to wait an age. Not that I look at any of that type of stuff, you understand.


But why is this? Is it just another example of the powers that be trying to embarrass us all and criminalize everything we do? Like those little anti-piracy ads they tack on the beginning of movies on DVD. You wouldn't download a car, they say. So why would you download a movie? Look, mate, here's the thing. No, we wouldn't download a car. Because it's impossible. But if it was possible, we sure as hell would! I'd have my own dealership by now.

OK. Now I need a shower.