Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Friday, November 25, 2011


Today marks the 46th anniversary of my mother being anaesthetised and having a C-section, resulting in yours truly. To say the least my start in life was somewhat inauspicious, and I nearly did not make it. The doctor that performed the emergency Caesarian was somewhat inexperienced in the technique, but he was the only doctor available and it was now or never, so he just had to get her opened up and me out. As a result there is a scar on my scalp that grows ever more visible due to my receding hairline. In a few years I will be able to seriously freak people out by showing it to them.

They do say that with age comes experience, and hence wisdom. So, what can I say that I have learned over the last 46 years that classifies as wisdom? What pearls of essential knowledge am I able to pass on to future generations? Well, I am not sure - I haven't written that bit yet. But I'm about to try. Here goes:

  • Liquor to beer - in the clear. Beer to liquor, never sicker. Unless you happen to be drinking snakebite, or Pernod. In either of those scenarios, all bets are off.
  • Sometimes, nothing beats a good hot shower.
  • Nouvelle cuisine is just a fancy way of saying 'tiny portions of pretentious food'. Do not eat it.
  • The best birthday cards are the ones that are funny - and have money in them.
  • A sink is always better without dishes piled up in it.
  • At some point you will look back on your life and be able to pinpoint key moments when you made the wrong decision. Try not to dwell on these moments, and try not to repeat those same mistakes.
  • When you are feeling down, watch a Mel Brooks movie. Nothing beats a damn good belly laugh.
  • Be what you is, cause if you be what you ain't, then you ain't what you is.
  • Always remember to stop and eat the toast.
  • Never trust anyone that does not like toast. Or Mel Brooks movies.
  • You do not have to be hungry to eat cake, dessert, chocolate or cookies.
  • Few things in life can make you feel sexier than a well-tailored suit. 
  • Never, ever wear UGG boots.
  • Go buy box candy at the dollar store, stash it in the bottom of your handbag or purse underneath your other stuff, and then go to the movies. You'll thank me later. 
  • Never get a tattoo with words in it. 
  • Sing out loud in the grocery store. You'll enjoy it, and people will either join in or leave you alone. Either way, it's fun.
  • The joys of a good single malt cannot be underestimated.
  • No matter how cool it may seem to smoke a big cigar, it will make your mouth feel like the bottom of an ashtray. 
  • Guns don't kill people - people with guns kill people. Melt the guns.
  • If you ever start to feel bad about yourself or your family, watch an episode of Maury or  The Jeremy Kyle Show. You'll start to feel better.
  • A hot toddy is by far the most pleasurable way to treat a cold.
  • Nothing beats getting in between crisp cold sheets and warming them up.
  • Go see a real mountain at least once in your life.
  • If you cannot afford to eat at your favourite restaurant, do NOT go there and do dumb stuff like splitting a salad or asking for a glass of water with extra slices of lemon and Splenda so you can make your own 'lemonade' just to save money. The waiters will hate you. Stay home and eat beans on toast. 
  • Never be ashamed to shop in a thrift store, flea market, jumble sale, charity shop or boot fair. Life is too short for snobbery.
  • They say you should dance like nobody's watching. I say you should too, but make sure you do it in front of a crowd for maximum effect. 
  • Stay away from carbonated beverages, unless there is alcohol in them.
So there you are. Some gems from the ol' Hickmott brain. I hope you can find them useful. And as my birthday is exactly one month before Christmas, I decree that it is now OK to sing Christmas songs in public. I like to sing them from about July onwards, but once you get to Nov. 25th, you need not worry that people will look at you in a funny way. Unless, of course, that was your ultimate aim to begin with.

This is the 401st post on The World Of Jeff! Here's to another year of nonsense.


  1. Happy birthday to you! I hope you get lots of cake and ice cream, and toys. I love toys.

  2. No ice-cream, but plenty of cake. Oh, and a nice new 16 MegaPixel Digital Camera type-toy!


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