The Bank Job

Just going through my emails this morning and I find one from a job search site that I have subscribed to (a free one, of course - I am not going to pay to find a damn job!). Usually they come up with "local" jobs that turn out to be anything but - last time they sent me one from Milton Keynes, which is about as local as commuting to Gatwick. The French coast would be closer. Anyway, the one this morning was actually in Ashford! Yay, I thought. A job that's only a short drive away (about 14 miles). So I click on it and of course it's a job for a cashier in a bank. Which would be okay, I suppose. They'd obviously train me. I'd be indoors. Sitting down.

But it was the wealth of politically correct doublespeak that one has to wade through to get to the actual information about the position (not 'job', it has to be a 'position') that floors me, not to mention the ocean of positive spin they have to use to get what could be a really dull job sounding like an amazing and exciting 'opportunity'. For example:

• "Our client, a large and very successful financial services provider, is looking for a strong targeted sales and service candidate who can help provide that customer experience and spot opportunities - to help make and save them money. " (Meaning: "Big bank needs a cashier. Preferably able to read and write. Ability to talk semi-coherently a plus.")
• "This in-branch role is at the sharp-end of relationship building." (meaning: "You will be dealing with Joe Public.")
• "It’s all about taking time to understand each customer’s individual needs and helping them to make the right choices from our excellent range of products. " ("make sure you don't screw up.")
• "...you’ll not only help them build a great financial future. You’ll also build a great future for yourself. " ("We will try to remember to pay you occasionally.")
• "Every day is different for us. Every customer is different too, which is why it’s such an exciting and rewarding place to work." ("We get all sorts of customers, from morons to idiots to outright jackasses. Your reward will be to make fun of them and laugh about it in the break room with your colleagues.")
• "Our customers won’t be the only ones who benefit from your knowledge and expertise. More junior team members will look to you for advice and guidance too." ("As soon as you are trained, you will be expected to train others.")
• "And because our package includes a generous bonus scheme that rewards individual, as well as team, performance, you’ll get the recognition you deserve as well." ("'Jelly Of The Month Club', anyone?")
• "Above all, you need to be driven by a desire to do what’s right for your customers and leave no stone unturned to help them get the best from us." ("Brown-nosers preferred.")
• "Our mutual status means we’re here to benefit customers, not shareholders. Our commitment to customers, not shareholders, has always been what sets us apart from our competitors. And now, more than ever, our reputation for being open, honest and trustworthy is helping us go from strength to strength. In fact, it’s made us the world’s biggest building society as well as a major local employer. Underpinning it all is a commercial operation that never stands still. We’re always thinking ahead, aiming higher and sharpening our competitive edge. That’s why we invest in people who are not only proud of what we stand for, but who also have the talent and drive to boost our performance still further." ("That's right, customers, not shareholders! Say it loud! Say it proud! Make it your mantra! Customers not shareholders! Customers not shareholders! We are wonderful! We are good people! We're barely even a bank at all! In fact, we're just giving money away! Customers not shareholders! Customers n....")

Well, I might apply for it. Sounds fun.