A New Low

Okay, here we go with another good old fashioned Jeff-style ramblin' rant. I was exposed the other day to something which I suppose the whole of America already knows about but that we here in the British Isles have only recently become aware of.

Rebecca Black, that 13-year-old who smiles way too much, and that awful 'Friday' song. Is it me or are we going to have children springing from their mother's wombs with pop songs on their lips soon?

Sorry, but when I was 13, girls did NOT look like this.

I realise I am preaching to the choir here. I know the song has been universally panned. One website deemed it the worst song ever. Black, in an interview with Good Morning America, said she cried when she heard that, along with other nasty comments. So what have people been saying?


Hypervocal.com: "Truly, undeniably awful."

URLesque: "This song by Rebecca Black has to be the worst song ever written, composed, sung out loud or turned into a video."

SF Gate: "what may be the ultimate combination of horrible lyrics, horrible songwriting, horrible auto-tuning (apparently to hide horrible singing) ... horrible dancing and horrible horribleness. It's so horrible, people are wondering whether the production is real or if it's an elaborate joke."

Apparently Black has been singing for a long time, having been a member of Celebration USA since 2008. They are a patriotic vocal group, apparently. Eww.

But get this! This 13 year old girl whose video has had 17 million views on Yoot Oob and whose single has only been available since Tuesday and is already sitting pretty on the iTunes chart at #31 between Enrique 'Bailamos' Iglesias and the Zac 'nobody's heard of us' Brown Band, doesn't have a record deal.


That's right. She recorded the single at an LA vanity record label and made the video for a paltry $4,000. There is hope for us yet, us closet rock stars.

Taking a closer look at the lyrics to this ode to the joys of driving around with one's chums and having a mighty jolly whizzy time on the weekend, we find we are suddenly moved to go to the bathroom or listen to a solid hour of grime* and dubstep*. Here they are for you to enjoy.

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark) (Note: Ark is a reference to Ark Music Factory, where she recorded her song and video.)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

[Rebecca Black - Verse 1]

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

[Rebecca Black - Verse 2]

7:45, we're drivin' on the highway
Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

[Chorus]

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/rebecca_black/friday.html ]
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

[Bridge]

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin')
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after... wards
I don't want this weekend to end

[Rap Verse]

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes
Wit' a car up on my side (Woo! )
(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend
We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all

[Chorus]

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

Exciting stuff, no? 


In a review for Rolling Stone, writer Matthew Perpetua described the vocals as having "a peculiar tonality that inadvertently highlights the absurdity of boilerplate pop lyrics," adding that the tone in the refrain "sounds unlike anything else in pop music." He noted the sound as being not entirely agreeable to listen to, but states that Black ultimately ends up "sounding like a distinct singer with an alluring sort of anti-charisma."

Kevin Rutherford, a columnist for Billboard magazine, wrote, "Black's video for 'Friday' is one of those rare occurrences where even the most seasoned critics of Internet culture don't know where to begin. From the singing straight out of Auto-Tuned hell to lyrics such as 'Tomorrow is Saturday / And Sunday comes afterwards / I don't want this weekend to end' and a hilariously bad rap about passing school buses, 'Friday' is something that simply must be seen and heard to be fully appreciated."

 Fellow teenage singer Miley Cyrus criticized Black, saying that "[i]t should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour." Oh, Miley - are you afraid somebody's cutting in on your action?

Simon Cowell, though, in a surprise move, actually praised Black, saying, "I love her [and] the fact that she's gotten so much publicity. People are so upset about the song, but I think it's hysterical. [...] Anyone who can create this much controversy within a week, I want to meet. I love people like that." He then went on to advise her not to  "listen to anyone over the age of 18. I'm being deadly serious. Whatever she's done has worked. Whether you like her or not, she's the most talked-about artist in America right now. Nobody over the age of 18 should understand her or like her. So she should just do it her way."  He observed that "any song to do with the weekend annoys you. It reminds me of 'Saturday Night'... It's what we call a 'hair-dryer song,' a song girls sing into their hair dryers as they're getting ready to go out. But the fact that it's making people so angry is brilliant."


All I can say is, I'm working on a sequel. Hey, if it's this easy, then my time surely has come! Maybe an ode to the joys of waking up on a Tuesday and getting ready for work, then hauling my ass down to the shop and putting in eight hours in a retail environment, which can be either fun and rewarding, or a soul-numbing siege from moment to moment. That'll be a fun pop song.


What's that ya say? You haven't heard it yet? You want me to post it on here? Sorry, people, it ain't gonna happen. Go over to the Youts-of-Today Toob and subject yourself to its horrors if you must. Have the painkillers and/or the scotch ready. You will thank me later.


*Grime is a genre of urban music that first emerged in Bow, East London, England in the early 2000s, primarily a development of UK garage, dancehall, and hip hop. Grime is typified by complex 2-step breakbeats, generally around 140 beats per minute and constructed from "different" sounds. Stylistically, grime takes from many genres including UK Garage, dancehall and hip hop. The lyrics and music combine futuristic electronic elements and dark, guttural bass lines.


Dubstep is a genre of electronic dance music that originated in South East London. Its overall sound has been described as "tightly coiled productions with overwhelming bass lines and reverberant drum patterns, clipped samples, and occasional vocals". Dubstep rhythms are usually syncopated, and often shuffled or incorporating tuplets. The tempo is nearly always in the range of 138-142bpm.


So, in other words, stuff that will give you a raging migraine.