The Lesson

Back in the 80s,  whilst unemployed,  my friend Nigel and I would hang out at my house and when there was nothing else on the telly , we often resorted to watching the programmes for schools and colleges,  which were shown early in the morning before breakfast TV came along.  After the advent of Breakfast Time and TV-am, BBC 2 would show schools programmes all morning until lunchtime and sometimes beyond.  Occasionally there were gems among the dross.

One day a show about English came on featuring the musician and poet Roger McGough. He read out a poem about school which Nigel and myself found hysterically funny.  We didn't know what the title was, but we never forgot the line about the headmaster looking in on a riotous classroom who then 'nodded understandingly, and tossed in a grenade.'

Well, now we live in the digital age,  and so this morning it took me all of 45 seconds to find it, and here it is.  However,  in light of recent events in the world,  it may be considered by some to be in poor taste, but whatever.  I have told you the back story,  I am committed now. It's called "The Lesson".

Chaos ruled OK in the classroom
as bravely the teacher walked in
the nooligans ignored him
his voice was lost in the din

'The theme for today is violence
and homework will be set
I'm going to teach you a lesson
one that you'll never forget'

He picked on a boy who was shouting
and throttled him then and there
then garrotted the girl behind him
(the one with grotty hair)

Then sword in hand he hacked his way
between the chattering rows
'First come, first severed' he declared
'fingers, feet or toes'

He threw the sword at a latecomer
it struck with deadly aim
then pulling out a shotgun
he continued with his game

The first blast cleared the backrow
(where those who skive hang out)
they collapsed like rubber dinghies
when the plug's pulled out

'Please may I leave the room sir? '
a trembling vandal enquired
'Of course you may' said teacher
put the gun to his temple and fired

The Head popped a head round the doorway
to see why a din was being made
nodded understandingly
then tossed in a grenade

And when the ammo was well spent
with blood on every chair
Silence shuffled forward
with its hands up in the air

The teacher surveyed the carnage
the dying and the dead
He waggled a finger severely
'Now let that be a lesson' he said

by Roger McGough