The Daesh Diet

Must be a 'slow news' day.

So, both The Daily Snail and The Scum newspapers this morning are screaming banner headlines about how the risk of death due to obesity and the risk of death due to terrorism are about equal. (Oh, how they like scaremongering. Gee, thanks, Mr. Murdoch, you enormous tool.)

Er, bullshit?

Even a simple Google search blows that theory out of the water. Last year the amount of terrorism-related fatalities was not quite 38,000. GLOBALLY.

And last year, the amount of obesity-related deaths was 300,000 IN THE U.S. ALONE.

So, yeah. Baloney.


But the question that naturally arises from this, of course, is what is the correlation between the two? When did you last see a fat terrorist?

Has this scenario ever cropped up in the mountain hideouts and crummy apartments where (we are led to believe) all terrorists spring from?

"It's no good, Mick.* I can't get my suicide jacket to zip up."

"Well, you keep eating those takeaways and cooking those massive fried breakfasts, you fat bastard. It's no wonder!"

So, next year's alternative diet. Eat like a terrorist and watch those pounds melt away. I can see it now on QVC...

"So, forage for a handful of nuts and berries to make a delicious complement to your daily ration of rice, and watch those pounds melt away! Of course, you will eventually be required to firebomb a branch of Spud-U-Like or strap on a belt fashioned elegantly from plastic explosive and duct tape, and walk into a busy shopping centre and detonate yourself, but that near-feral lifestyle and hipster beard you'll grow mean you are guaranteed to look great and feel fit while doing it!"

*The usage of the name "Mick" in the above scenario is purely coincidental and is not intended to imply that all terrorists are Irish, or indeed male. The name chosen could just as easily have been Barney, Fred, Wilma or even Muammar. We apologise if there are any people out there named Mick who found this article offensive.