Come Back Willow Smith, All Is Forgiven

Folks, as you know, I am always on the lookout for new and interesting talent. Previously on these pages we have discussed the delights of Tinie Tempah, Willow Smith and Dizzee Rascal, but I was alerted yesterday by my dear sister to a song that, once I heard it and dissected its lyrical genius, nay, poetic beauty, I felt I simply must share with a waiting world. Folks, I was stunned. Gobsmacked. Taken somewhat aback. (CAUTION: SARCASM ALERT!!)


The disc in question is one by that purveyor of pulchritudinous pouting, one Miss Nicki Minaj and features the wonderful wordsmith Mr. Eminem. The tune itself is curiously entitled "Roman's Revenge".


My sister alerted me to this after witnessing some young preteenyboppers prancing around to said platter on a kids' dance show, and became perturbed by the chorus, which apparently had something to do with feeling 'like a dungeon dragon'. 


Now, I have heard of the game Dungeons and Dragons, and as I recall, the dragons don't actually inhabit the dungeons. Or do they? Have to go and check. .... dum de dum... la la la... nope. Can't find anything that says that. Undoubtedly out there in  geekdom, somebody will jump all over this and tell me who and what lives in which dungeon where, but this is irrelevant and getting us off track.


Anyway, on to the lyrics. They are without doubt the wor... well, I'll let you decide for yourself.

I am not Jasmine, I’m Aladdin

So far ahead, these bums is laggin’

See me in that new thing, bums is gaggin’

I’m startin’ to feel like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

I’m startin’ to feel like a dungeon dragon

Look at my show footage, how these girls be spazzin’

So f**k I look like gettin’ back to a has-been?

Yeah, I said it, has-been

Hang it up, flatscreen

(Haha) Plasma

Hey Nicki, hey Nicki, asthma

I got the pumps, it ain’t got medicine

I got bars, sentencin'

I’m a bad bitch, I’m a c**t   Charming young lady!

And I’ll kick that hoe, punt

Forced trauma, blunt

You play the back, b***h, I’m in the front

You need a job, this ain’t cuttin’ it

Nicki Minaj is who you ain’t f***in’ with

You li’l brag a lot, I beat you with a pad-a-lock This is utter genius at work folks!

I am a movie, camera block

You outta work, I know it’s tough

But enough is enough

Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon

Then Slim Shady drops in to say a few words, most of them rather fruity and quite pervy.

I ain’t into S&M, but my whip’s off the chain

A little drop of candy paint drips off the frame

Twisted-a** mind, got a pretzel for a brain

An eraser for a head, f***in’ pencil for a frame

You don’t like it then peel off, b***h

Every last woman on Earth I’ll kill off, and I still wouldn’t f@%k you, slut  He's single, girls!

So wipe the smile on your grill off, I swear to God I’ll piss a Happy Meal off

Get the wheels turnin’, spin, and wheel off

Snap the axel in half, bust the tie-rod

Quit hollerin’ “Why, God?” He ain’t got s$&t to do wit' it

Bygones’ll never be bygones, so won’t be finished swallowin’ my wad

I ain’t finished blowin’ it, nice bra

Hope it’ll fit a tough titty, b***h

Life’s hard, I swear to God, life is a dumb blonde white broad

With fake t**s and a bad dye job

Who just spit in my f***in’ face and called me a f***in’ tightwad

So finally I broke down and bought her an iPod

And caught her stealin’ my music, so I tied her arms and legs to the bed

He then gets even more peculiar. The faint of heart should not proceed.

Set up the camera and p***ed twice on her

Look, two pees and a tripod!

The moral to the story is, life’s treatin’ you like dry sod?

Kick it back in its face, my God

It’s Shady and Nicki Minaj, you might find the sight quite odd

But don’t ask why, bitch (Ask why not)

The wo-world is my punchin’ bag and

If I’m garbage, you’re a bunch of maggots

Make that face, go on, scrunch it up at me

Show me the target so I can lunge and attack it

Like a, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

You fell off, off, they musta bumped your wagon

You musta went off the back, I’m ’bout to go off the deep end

I told you to stay in your lane, you just choked in traffic

At this point it is almost a relief that Nicki Minger returns.

(I-I-I-I-Is) Is this the thanks that I get for puttin’ you b****es on?

Is it my fault that all of you b****es gone?

Shoulda sent a thank-you note, you little ho

Now I’ma wrap your coffin with a bow

(Ni-ni-ni) “Nicki, she’s just mad ’cause you took the spot”

Word, that b***h mad ’cause I took the spot?

Well, b***h, if you ain’t sh****n’, then get off the pot

Got some n****s out in Brooklyn that’ll off your top

I-I-I-I hear them mumblin’, I hear the cacklin’

I got ‘em scared, shook, panickin’

Overseas, church, Vatican

You at a stand, still, mannequin

You wanna sleep on me? Overnight?

I’m the m****f***in’ boss, overwrite

And when I pull up, vroom, motorbike

Now all my ***** gettin’ bucked, overbite

I see them dusty-a** Filas, Levi’s

Raggedy-a%&, holes in your knee-highs

I call the play, now do you see why?

These b@&$%es callin’ me Manning, Eli

(Manning, Eli!) Ma, ma-ma-ma-ma, Manning, Eli

These b****es callin’ me (Manning, Eli)

Here comes Marshall Mathers again. Look out.

A-a-a-a-all you li’l f*$£@ts can suck it

No homo, but I’ma stick it to ‘em like refrigerator magnets

And I’m crooked enough to make straitjackets bend

Yeah, look who’s back again, b***h, keep actin’ as if

You have the same passion that I have

Yeah, right, still hungry, my a**

You a**d**ks had gastric bypass

Ain’t hot enough to set fire to dry grass

And ’bout as violent as hair on eyelids (Eyelash!)

Go take a flyin’ leap of faith off a f***in’ balcony

‘Fore I shove a falcon wing up your fly a**

You know what time it is, so why ask?

When Shady and Nicki’s worlds clash

It’s (high class) meets (white trash)

Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon

Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon

Grown men! Grown men!

Stop it, stop it!

You’ve gone mad, mad, I tell you, mad!

You and this boy Slim Shady!

What’s goin’ on?

They’ll lock you away!

They’ll put you in a jail cell!

I promise!

Take your mother’s warning, Roman

Pleaaaaaaase

Back to bed! Run along!

Let’s go! Come on!

Wash your mouth out with soap, boys

(Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys…)

Surely I am not the only one who is slightly perturbed by all of this? There are so many questions raised here. What's a dungeon dragon? And what the hell did any of that actually mean? And I think most important of all, why was it being played on a kids' dance show with all those expletives in it? Who is Roman? And why is it that the delightful Mr. Em wants to pee on people and put parts of birds up their bottoms? This is not normal by any stretch of the imagination, and some people go to therapists for less. Still curious about this song? Here it is in all its bizarre weird tune-free sweary-up dragon-ness, if you aren't queasy enough yet.

Oil Be Darned

 How about those crazy Yanks, huh?

They arrested Daryl Hannah? And not, as you might suppose, for crimes against acting. (OK, Splash was good, but Clan Of The Cave Bear? really?) No, they arrested her for failure to obey a lawful order. What was the order? "Move your butt, lady!"  Because the ravishing Ms. Hannah was part of a group of protesters, protesting outside The White House against the proposed extension of an oil pipeline that currently runs from Canada to Oklahoma. What's that you say, Jeff? Isn't that an awful long way? You bet your sweet bippy it's a long damn way. And they want to extend it? Where to?  All the way to the Gulf of Mexico, mes amis. Sixteen hundred miles. For a thumping good read about all the technical details and environmental impacts of the project, go to http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2011/aug/23/tar-sands-keystone-xl-climate.

The Trans Canada Corp pipeline we are referring to is called Keystone XL, and it currently runs all the way from Alberta to Oklahoma. It has had 12 spills in the last year. That's one a month, Einstein. It runs from the Athabasca tar sands in Alberta, through Montana, South Dakota, Nebraska, Oklahoma and would end up at refineries on the Texas coast. It runs through family farms, through ranches and over the Ogallala fresh water aquifer that supplies water for 20 million people and for a third of the nation's most rich farm lands and ranch lands. And here's the crazy thing. Those nice adorable lovely politicians, namely Senator Hillary (Big Legs) Clinton and some dude named Obama who just happens to be the flippin' PRESIDENT are going to allow this. You know why? Because of all the jobs that will be created. The Prez cannot be seen to be against the creation of jobs, and so even though we all know that he knows, and he knows we know he knows, that this is probably one of the worst things for the planet, for the USA and for his reputation, he has to do it because of pressure from the big oil companies who for too long have had the government in the palm of their hand, and pressure from the State Department who will remind him of his campaign promises to make a brighter future for all (i.e. more jobs). He knows it's bullshit, and he will just have to bow to that pressure and OK it. So am I saying that the President, who promised change, hope, clean energy etc. is a sellout? Well, sure I am, but only in the context that ALL politicians are sellouts. If there was one lawmaker out there who could just outlaw lobbyists, we'd be a whole lot better off. But until that day, one palm will grease another, and another and another ad infinitum and no real change will occur. So am I saying Obama is a bad man? Not at all. He's just another hapless idealist that suddenly realised that he wasn't going to achieve much despite his lofty ideals because he didn't understand going into it just what he was going to be up against. So now he shifts focus away from tighter environmental controls and towards jobs and job creation, because this is what his aides assure him is going to be key in getting him re-elected.

And don't get me started on the Canadians. It's their oil we are talking about, and it's not like normal sploshy oil either. It's viscous goo mixed with dirt and they have to use millions of gallons of water to separate the two. Like I said, read the article at http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2011/aug/23/tar-sands-keystone-xl-climate and it'll give you a picture of what's happening.

Tomorrow: More crap that bothers me.