What's It All About

Remember back when we were all kids, we were taught the difference between right and wrong, we were taught manners and all that palaver, and there were a whole handful of axioms and aphorisms our 'elders and betters' used to keep us in line with? Like that phrase - 'elders and betters'. The idea that adults not only knew more than you did but were also better people because of it was a strange one to me. Because they would then go on to complain and gossip with each other about how so-and-so down the street was this and whats-his-name was that, and so you knew this was all total baloney, but you played along anyway. You didn't even question it. As far as we knew, what our parents said was gospel.

Anyway, among the tried and trusted mottoes they liked to wheel out was the one that said that it was rude to discuss politics or religion in polite company. Well, I know my readership, and you're all a pretty rude and motley group, and so I will discuss one of those things right now.

There is a church that stands in my hometown that has a sign outside. Now, that in itself is not unusual. Most churches have signs outside. Usually they are of the wooden painted variety, with information such as a list of services, the vicar's name, and perhaps room for a colourful poster with some lovely serene woodland photo and a nice little Bible verse on it. Except, that is, when I moved to the States, where it seems every church (and when I lived in Georgia, there were a lot of them) has one of those big illuminated signs outside with magnetic letters on it. That's right, just like the Burger King and MuckDonald's. And the larger the church and the more affluent the neighbourhood, the bigger and more flashy the sign out front. From a distance you can't tell the difference between a church and a cineplex in some cases. These signs are very handy for these churches because it gave them the freedom to change the sign and put whatever they wanted on it. There seem to be a lot of puns.

Puns used to be the preserve of hairstylists only. "Hair-berdashery" and "Hair It Tiz" spring to mind. Then record shops got in on the act, with names like Vinyl Countdown and such. So the churches realised there was a marketing tool here that they could use, and don't kid yourself, churches do have to market themselves, especially when there's one on every corner like there is in Georgia. There's a lot of competition out there, boy. So we started seeing church signs with real groaners on them such as "Send God A Knee Mail". Painful, boys, truly painful.

So - marketing. Like I said, up until recently, only American churches have used sophisticated signage. British ones have always been a bit twee and Miss Marple-ey. Until I saw the sign outside this particular church. It's one of those hi-tech printed ones on a big sheet of weatherproof vinyl with that no-fade ink so even in the depths of winter it is bright and vibrant and jumps out at you. The first thing that you see on this sign is the question "WHAT'S LIFE ALL ABOUT?" in large red block letters, with the word LIFE looking very similar to the way it looks on the cover of the American magazine of the same name, large and friendly and somehow comforting. However, this question is superimposed on a photo of a silhouetted figure on the crest of a hill with large grey clouds looming ominously behind him. Sort of a suicidal-looking figure, I think. How cheery.

The next thing you see are four pictures. The first is of an ecstatically happy-looking black man with a shaved head with the expression of someone who has just received a visit from the Publisher's Clearing House people with a large cardboard replica of a check in their hands. In fact, do you remember that episode of The Cosby Show  where Theo wants to become a male model and his sisters stage a mock interview at a modelling agency and Lisa Bonet tells him to adopt the look of a man who has just won the lottery? That look. What are they trying to say with this pic, I wonder? Black guys is crazy??!? Oh, you know those West Indians, always jumping up and down with manic expressions on their faces. (Sarcasm).

The next picture is of a mixed-race family looking all cheery and posing in the park for a group photo. The next is of piles of money of various currencies. I guess that represents money, doesn't it? The final pic is of a happy couple doing that 'couple-on-the-beach-with-the-guy-giving-the-girl-a-piggyback-ride' thing, which I suppose represents either relationships, marriage, spring break or sports?

Underneath all these four pics is the legend "Surely there must be more to LIFE than this?".

Then "Ever felt there's something MISSING?"

Then "Ever asked the question WHY AM I HERE?"

Can you see where this is headed? Yes, me too. It's like a freight train bearing down on you. You cannot avoid it.

"Perhaps Life is all about KNOWING GOD?"

Yeah, well, no.

There are two main things that I have a problem with in this situation. Firstly, we have this whole big marketing thing going on. The churches are just like anything else these days, trying all this flash advertising to try to make you come to them instead of the other guys. The message they are really sending with signs like this outside is "If you want to know all the answers, we've got 'em. Don't go down the street to the other churches. They may say they can help you, but only we know what the true purpose of life is. Those other churches don't know jack diddley. We got it all together here. Come on in, oh, and by the way, the collection plate is coming round."

The second thing I have a problem with is this notion that everyone and his second cousin twice removed on his grandad's sister's aunt's side are supposedly wandering around thinking "What's life about? What is my purpose? Why am I here?" which they are patently not. The churches want you to believe that that is what you are supposed to be thinking so they can then tell you. In this respect they are nothing but snake-oil salesmen. 

I'm not saying that there aren't people pondering those questions. I'm sure there are. It seems to me a lot of time over the millennia has been wasted thinking about those very things. If people would just quit wondering about what it's about and just live it, there'd be less man-hours lost to the nation and we'd be on the whole a lot happier.

OK, I can tell there are still a lot of people thinking, well Jeff, you've had a good rant about this and made your opinions clear, do you feel better now you've gotten this off your chest? Well, no. Because to me, the answer to the question what's life about is dead simple. Would you,like to know? 

Nothing.

There is no other purpose to life except to live it. You were not 'put here for some special purpose' or to achieve some lofty goal, nobody put you here. You just are. The only reason most of us are here is because our parents had a couple beers too many one night and got a bit frisky. So live your life. Quit worrying about What Would Jesus Do, ask yourself what would you do? You know the difference between right and wrong, that is basic knowledge, it's primal. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that. In fact the whole Bible could really be condensed down into two words: 'Be Nice'. So quit worrying. And be nice.

My Helicopter Is Full Of Eels

I bet you all thought I'd dropped off the planet, didn't you? Leaving you all in the lurch, without anything to read or complain about. What up wit dat, Jeff, I can hear you all cry - except for one guy in Poland, who has but the faintest grasp of ebonics. Also, his accent is terrible. Anyway, what was I saying? What was I saying? I haven't the foggiest. Not a glimmer. My brain is emptier than a really really empty thing that's really empty. I need to go to Simile School don't I?



Some days are like that. Sometimes I just cannot think of anything to write about. I remember once reading a book for aspiring writers that extolled the virtues of getting up at the crack of dawn every day and writing at least a thousand words before breakfast. Well, I'm sorry, but the last time I saw the crack of dawn was from the wrong end after a hard night of partying, about 20 years ago or more. If I am out of bed before about 8am these days it's because I have to get up to go to the bathroom. Add to that my coffee addiction which sometimes looms perilously close to nightmarish proportions and the likelihood of me writing anything before about lunchtime is excruciatingly small.

The trouble with being a blogger (and I realise here I'm probably preaching to the choir) is that real life often tends to get in the way. One has to prioritize. I might get an idea for something to write about but it usually happens when I'm at work, or when there are a great pile of dishes to be washed. I find I am standing there thinking about it and saying to myself, 'Just do these dishes, Jeff, and then you can go write this stuff down'. Naturally, by the time I do, I've forgotten what it was I wanted to say, which just compounds the issue. Sometimes I think maybe becoming a hermit would be a good idea - just me, my computer, alone in a shed cranking out page after page of this high-quality drivel like Ted Kaczynski - well, not quite like Ted... I don't know the first thing about explosives, to start with, and I am a jolly sort of fellow - and the shed of course would have to have all the comforts of home, and satellite, and maybe a butler... but I think I would miss human interaction and of course, my girlfriend.

But I am one of those people that find it hard to focus on things when there is distraction around. I cannot, repeat cannot have a phone conversation in a noisy room surrounded by other people talking. If you were to come visit me at home and the phone should ring, I would have to leave the room with it in order to answer it. I cannot focus on what the caller is saying to me if there are other people talking or if the TV is on. It all becomes babble.

Likewise I cannot stand to be watching a TV show or a movie on TV or in the cinema and have people talking through it. Even if it's a re-run of Blackadder I have to have silence. My feeling is, I want to watch it, so show some respect, mainly to me, the viewer, but also to the show. If I care enough to deem it worthy of viewing (and there's precious little these days that is, let's face it) then that means I think others should respect it, and if those around me don't see eye-to-eye with that viewpoint, then I will walk out of the room rather than suffer at the hands of noisy peeps. I can always watch it later, when I'm alone. Thank you, DVR, what a wonderful invention you are.

This is good. I'm on a roll now. I am hitting my stride. In my element. What was I talking about? Let me read back a few sentences. Ah yes. I think I'm done with that now.

I am gratified that my blogs are getting respectable numbers of hits per day (anywhere between 40 to 90) although I do think to myself sometimes that perhaps it's the sheer number of posts I've already put out that is causing the increase in popularity. Maybe, though, it's that I have something worthwhile to say, something that perhaps touches a few nerves and makes people sit and think. If that's the case, then yippee skippee to me. If not, then fine, I'm going to be doing this a while, at least until the rest of my talents are discovered by a waiting world - my musical ability, my impressions, my cooking, my sparkling wit, my humility....

Anyway, I have to go look at some shed catalogues and put an ad for a butler in the local rag. Later, dudes.

100 Records That Shook The World, # 47

Bitches Brew (LP)

Miles Davis

Released in April 1970, Miles Davis' Bitches Brew was a double album that continued the experimentation Davis had started with previous albums. Recorded in just three days, with musicians sometimes having only a vague idea of what they were to record - a tempo, a fragment of melody - the album went gold, and is generally considered one of the greatest albums of jazz.

We Got The Beat

Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles wrote a song for another member of another all-girl group. Hopefully you shouldn't have had much difficulty figuring out that this person was Belinda Carlisle of The Go-Go's, a track called I Need A Disguise  on the 1986 album Belinda. Never heard it? No, neither have I. ..... OK, strike that. I have just heard it on YouTube. If you're interested, it's the first song you hear on Belinda's 1987 VHS video Live At The Roxy. It's pretty awful. So I am not sharing it here.

OK, next question.

The Go-Go's had a hit with "Our Lips Are Sealed"... whose real-life romance was it purportedly about? (Hint: they wrote the lyrics).

Stars Are Stars

So Canadian rocker and terminal bore Bryan Adams has his own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Is it just me or does something about that just sound wrong? Time was the Walk Of Fame was the preserve of movie stars only. Nowadays it seems all one has to do is write an irritating song, stick it in a dire Costner flick, and watch it sit at number one for years on end, not forgetting of course to rake in the cash all the while, until people get tired enough of you and your 'talent' that they just give you a gold star in hopes you'll sod off. No offence, Bry.

I also hear on the wire that Pete Townshend wishes he had never been in The Who. What manner of nonsense is this? He says the rock ’n’ roll lifestyle ruined his health. Awww, diddums. (I can't believe I'm dissing a bona fide legend, a man I actually admire and respect, but in this case I feel justified.)The 65-year-old guitarist formed the group back in 1964. Apparently, after 47 years in the industry, his partying ways have left him with partial deafness, knee problems, shoulder trouble, a wrist injury and ringing in his ears from the band’s ear-splitting gigs.
Speaking to Uncut magazine, he said: “What would I have done differently? I would never have joined the band.
“I’d have made a more effective solo performer. I would be less damaged.”

Excuse me Pete, don't want to split hairs here, but you're 65. The same age as my mother. She has had a shoulder replacement and has degenerative osteo-arthritis, some hearing loss and is practically blind in one eye. I don't recall her doing flying windmills in front of giant Marshall stacks and exploding drum kits, or taking bucketloads of illicit substances in Rolls-Royces with a bunch of groupies.

Face it Pete, you're just old. Old enough to be my Dad, in fact. Things fall apart. Even I at the tender age of 45 can attest to that. So stop whining.

30 Days

As you folks probably know, I am on Facebook a fair bit. I'll admit it. I am not really what you'd call obsessed, but it's pretty close. Sometimes I'll come across ideas that are new and stimulating, and recently one such idea came to my attention. It's called the 30 Day Song Challenge, and the idea is to post a song every day for 30 days, each corresponding to a different set of criteria. Here's the list.

day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year


Here's the thing, though. I can think of dozens of songs for each one. And once I start something like that, I want to do it all at once. I just cannot limit myself to one a day. So I did two days and then forgot about it. And so I thought I'd do 'em all here right now, in one place, for the sake of permanence.


day 01 - your favorite song


day 02 - your least favorite song


day 03 - a song that makes you happy


day 04 - a song that makes you sad


day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone


day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere


day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event


day 08 - a song that you know all the words to


day 09 - a song that you can dance to


day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep


day 11 - a song from your favorite band


day 12 - a song from a band you hate


day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure


day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love


day 15 - a song that describes you


day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate


day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio


day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio


day 19 - a song from your favorite album


day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry


day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy


day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad


day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding


day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral


day 25 - a song that makes you laugh


day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument



day 27 - a song that you wish you could play


day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty


day 29 - a song from your childhood


day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

So there we are. A whole month's work and it only took me an hour. How's that for productive?

Check This Out

Throughout the ages men and women have struggled and innovated to provide the rest of humankind with ever more convenient and easy ways to do things. We have gone from smoke signals and semaphore to the telegraph, telephones, cellphones. From horse and cart to steam trains to subways. From walking around to the Chevrolet Kalos. And we constantly try to improve, to make a little more headway so that we can be better, faster, make more efficient use of our precious time.

Remember back in the day (I wonder how many of my blog posts contain that line? Quick, someone, invent an app that can figure that out. That'd be useful, wouldn't it?) when grocery stores and supermarkets were slow and inefficient? You'd go into the store, load up your basket or shopping cart, take it to the checkout and a nice lady in a starched uniform would find the price tag on every item and manually punch it into the till, and then she would tell you your total, you'd hand over the cash and then you'd be on your way. Gosh, that was crap, wasn't it? Surely we could improve on that?

So along came the electronic till. The process would be much the same except now when she punched in the prices, you'd get an annoying 'beep-beep' instead of the satisfying 'chunk-clunk'.

Then some bright spark was tinkering around with a laser and a series of rotating mirrors and figured they could get that to somehow recognise a bunch of vertical lines of differing thicknesses and a row of numbers and have it somehow correspond to the name of a product and thereby the price. (I still don't understand how this works, actually. I don't understand how VCRs work either - nor do I understand why the playback head on a VCR has to rotate and sit at a weird angle, but there ya go. Maybe one of my boffin chums can help me out with this.) So we had the bar code. Which meant that the nice lady in the starched uniform, who by this time had become a disinterested teenager with interesting complexion issues, no longer had to do all that tiresome 'punching in' of numbers, except when the bar code scanner failed to recognise the product in question and then she found herself (or himself - I'm an equal opportunity wise-ass) punching in ten numbers to get the computer to recognise the can of Spaghetti-Os you were trying to buy. Before long every supermarket in the 'civilised' world was scanning bar codes as if their very existence depended on it.

It was about this time that the head supermarket geezers were trying to figure out more ways of being spectacularly efficient, and they noticed that the one checkout that was specifically for people with only a few items in their basket (10 items or less, usually, though it was sometimes 8 or 12 depending on where you went), would be somehow 'better' if you took the staff member out of the equation and let Joe Public scan his or her items themselves, then pay using the same technology that populated all those infuriating snack machines in hotel lobbies. Simple, right? We clear out the space that used to house the one '10 items or less' till and put in 2 or 4 of these self-service jobbies, and then that should cut down on the horribly long lines, right?

Sure, I can see the logic behind it, after all, who hasn't been stood like a lemon with a pint of milk going sour in your hands while a family of six buys a week's worth of groceries in front of you, and they want to pay for some of it with cash, some with a check and some with food stamps?

However, this failed to speed things up, as some hyper-intelligent types with full shopping trolleys decided that ducking into a self-checkout when the shop was busy somehow meant that they would get through faster. After all, doesn't the old adage go that if you want something done properly, do it yourself? No, this does not work because I can think of very very few actual times when I've used a self-checkout when the damn thing didn't either fail to scan properly or something else that needed staff intervention. "Unexpected item in the bagging area,", the savagely polite female computer voice would intone, "please remove the item before continuing." This 'unexpected item' can be anything from one of your own shopping bags (if you are trying to be green), to a small child taking a breather, to the microscopic movements of a fruit fly, it seems. "There is a problem with this item. Please wait and a member of staff will assist you momentarily". These members of staff are constantly running back and forth between the self-checkouts, swiping their staff cards like fury and looking drawn and haggard. So, wait... we've replaced the one '10 items or less' till with 4 hyper-efficient ones that constantly need to be fixed or are out of service (I think they put the 'out of service' signs on them when they are feeling tired and hung over) and we have replaced the one nice lady in the starched uniform with the smile on her face with two or three dour individuals who wear ill-fitting sweaters? Seems like a step in the right direction to me, he said sarcastically.

Actually I have a great idea for a way to improve these machines. It won't speed them up any, or make them less fallible, but it will make them more entertaining.

You know how you get celebrity voices on things? You can get Joanna Lumley or David Letterman to say "You've Got Mail" on AOL, and you can get Snoop Dogg or Julian Clary to read out the directions on your sat-nav? Well, let's apply the same idea to the self-checkouts at Tesco or Wal-Mart! Wouldn't it be fun to hear Joe Pesci saying 

"What da f**k is this s**t you've put in the bagging area?" or perhaps Brian Blessed

 booming out "Wait a minute!! There appears to be some kind of problem with your shopping!" or perhaps 

Simon Cowell critiquing your money-insertion style with a terse 

"That was like someone in their bedroom with Monopoly money poking it half-heartedly through the slot in their piggy bank. Dreadful." You'd still be pissed off, but you'd be entertained.

Hey, it could happen.

Another Good Reason Not To Live In Georgia

This is GA State Rep. Bobby Franklin.

As if I needed any more good reasons to be glad I don't live in Georgia any more, I had to read about this guy. Frankly, I do not understand why any sane rational person gives this twat the time of day. But then again, he is from Georgia, and there is a serious shortage in Georgia of sane rational people, and an overabundance of Bible-toting numbskulls.

You wanna hear about this guy?

• Franklin proposed a measure that would prohibit all abortions in Georgia. The Marietta Republican voted "No" against bill HCS HB 147: Pre-Abortion Sonograms that passed the House on 19 March 2007 (116 - 54).
• He wants to make gold and silver the only legal tender for payment of debts by and to the state of Georgia pursuant to Article I Section 10 of the U.S. Constitution. Franklin maintains that all fifty U.S. states are in violation of this Constitutional stipulation to not "make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts," as paper and electronic bank notes (Federal Reserve Accounting Unit Dollars) are used nearly exclusively as tender.
• On February 17, 2009, Representative Franklin introduced House Bill 466 that would tax the Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta as it would any other privately owned bank in the state of Georgia.
• Franklin has sought to abolish Georgia's Road and Tollway Authority and Department of Health and Human Services.
• Franklin is an opponent of public schools, stating on his weekly blog that, "The State Has No Jurisdiction To Educate Our Children — Period!" Rep. Franklin commented that public schools are a "sinking ship" and he believes that private and home schooling are a better alternative for Georgia.
• In January 2011, Franklin sponsored a bill that would do away with driver's licenses in the State of Georgia. Franklin stated that the licenses represented “oppressive times” and “licensing of drivers cannot be required of free people, because taking on the restrictions of a license requires the surrender of an inalienable right.” He further stated that the freedom of movement by operating an automobile should be open to all Americans, regardless of age or driving skills. He cemented these beliefs by noting that he does not object to 12 year old children driving cars on Georgia Highways. Good grief!
• In 2011 he also proposed, in House Bill 14, to amend Georgia state criminal code with regards to rape so that the new legal term “accuser” be substituted for the currently used legal term “victim,” thereby theoretically no longer protecting a rape victim (in common terminology) from being billed for medical investigation of her rape if her rapist should be acquitted ; the bill infuriated victims' advocates. In House Bill 1, a bill Franklin proposed that would outlaw abortion, a section of existing Georgia statute is quoted which requires that every "spontaneous fetal death" have its cause investigated by the "proper investigating official." The bill would also make abortion punishable by death or life in prison. Now he has introduced a bill that would criminalize miscarriages, making abortion and miscarriage -- or "prenatal murder" in the language of the bill -- potentially punishable by death. Miscarriages -- I ask you? Have you ever known a woman to deliberately have a miscarriage?
• Reports Mother Jones' Jen Phillips:

Under Rep. Franklin's bill, HB 1, women who miscarry could become felons if they cannot prove that there was "no human involvement whatsoever in the causation" of their miscarriage. There is no clarification of what "human involvement" means, and this is hugely problematic as medical doctors do not know exactly what causes miscarriages. Miscarriages are estimated to terminate up to a quarter of all pregnancies and the Mayo Clinic says that "the actual number is probably much higher because many miscarriages occur so early in pregnancy that a woman doesn't even know she's pregnant. Most miscarriages occur because the fetus isn't developing normally."


Please, if you're in Georgia, ask yourself why. Then slap yourself around the face a few times, come to your senses and leave! Do you really want to stay in a state where this guy is walking around free, and is actually paid with public funds to make decisions on your behalf?

Ming Tea

So last week I asked of you who this lot were....

The answer is Ming Tea. They are in fact a genuine band, having played in public on more than one occasion (several times at The Viper Room, I believe). That, to me, defines what a band is, and if you don't believe me, well, it's my game, so I make the rules.

So the second part of my question was who the female guitarist is, and who the bass player is. You might have guessed from the question that they are bona fide celeb musicians, and you'd be right. The bassist is Matthew Sweet (a.k.a. Sid Belvedere) and the female guitarist is Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles, in character as Gillian Shagwell. The other two members are drummer Stuart Johnson (Manny Stixman) and Christopher Ward, longtime MuchMusic VJ and composer of the Alannah Myles hit Black Velvet (as Trevor Aigburth) on guitar.

Here they are, with 'Daddy Wasn't There', from "Goldmember".




So, next question...

Susanna Hoffs was a member of all-girl group The Bangles. She wrote a song for another member of an all-girl group... who was it and what was the title of the song?

How Smart It Is To Be Stupid

Remember when, back in the day, back when there were only four channels, game shows were a whole lot better? Quiz shows asked questions that required a little bit of skill or knowledge to answer correctly. Family Feud (Family Fortunes) required the contestants to actually use judgement and some brain power to come up with the most popular answer. Mastermind's contestants had to actually study their chosen topic beforehand. Even programmes where no brain was needed, such as Double Dare and Bullseye, required some vestige of physical ability or sporting skill. Even Ask The Family relied heavily on observation and 'group-think' techniques.

Those were the days, weren't they, eh? Gone forever, sadly. Ever since the late '90s brought us Millionaire  with its multiple-choice answers and lifelines and dramatic tension-building pauses, we have had ever dumber and annoying game shows. What, for example, is the point of Deal Or No Deal? Do these people actually think they have a cat's chance in hell of predicting which box has what amount in it? Are they f***ing STUPID? The answer, unfortunately, is a resounding YES. Even shows with decent questions are mind-numbingly awful, which makes Anne Robinson the perfect host for The Weakest Link - if I had to deal with total morons for contestants every day, I'd be snide and sarcastic too. Eggheads  is a show that could be great if it weren't for the dearth of intelligent contestants and the constant dramatic background music which totally fails to create any dramatic atmosphere, partly due to either Jeremy Vine or Dermot Murnaghan's total lack of charisma. Earlier tonight I caught a couple of minutes of the diabolical CatchPhrase, with its dumbed-down version of rebuses and Dingbats that these total nubs fail to figure out, interspersed with Roy Walker's aggravating "this is a verra verra eeza gemm" every few minutes. I then flipped the channel to find the ubiquitous Ant & Dec hosting Push The Button which takes guesswork to a whole new level of stupid. I could literally feel my brain cells not just dying, but committing suicide.

The problem, unfortunately, comes down to the fact that people are getting more and more stupid, and so we are left with this insidious 'cult of mediocrity' where the mundane and decidedly unspecial is celebrated and aspired to. What exactly qualifies Peaches Geldof to host a talk show where she 'interviews' a bunch of dumbasses who have done something, er, dumb, other than having famous parents? The show is called OMG!  but should be more accurately titled WTF?!


So why are we getting dumber? Good question, and one that I think Jamie's Dream School illustrates perfectly. Jamie Oliver, in my not-so-humble opinion, is a top bloke with some cracking ideas. His idea, to take 20 of the most difficult pain-in-the-ass kids in the country and put them in a school where the teachers are 18 of the country's most brilliant minds, and see what happens, is a fabulous one, but unfortunately for Jamie, these 'troubled' kids, who are all what we would have described back when we were at school with them as the bad kids (i.e. class clowns, troublemakers, bullies), have this undeserved sense of entitlement. They think they need to be respected, that teachers are not disciplining them but dissing them. Trouble is, this is not a localised problem. Kids all over the country are like this, and it's the same in the States, too.

So why is this? I've said this before and I'll say it again. Back when all the child psychologists told us in the 60s and 70s about all the irreparable damage we were doing to our kids by spanking them and telling them off and making them do their homework and making them get up in the morning and go to school and use polite words and manners and to say please and thank you and chew with their mouths closed, we all went "Oh no, I can't believe all the irreparable damage I'm doing to little Billy", and became utter soft weenies who were now ready to become slaves to their children's whims, no matter how unreasonable, because the kids knew that all they had to do was cry foul and Social Services would come and slap Mum and Dad in jail for whatever perceived infraction they incurred, all because Mum and Dad were now afraid to swat them on the butt, tell them to shut up and eat their cereal. We are now in the situation where the kids are in control and a teacher who dares to discipline a child is now more likely to be sent to the principal's office than the child would be for the supposed infraction.

Now let's all go and celebrate dumbness, shall we? Remember - these kids are going to be in charge someday.

Oil Be Seeing You

We are so dependent on oil. It's a massive part of our lives, perhaps more than we realise. Most of us probably don't really appreciate the number of ways in which it impacts us.

This is probably why when faced with the problem of climate change, we focus on ways to limit our oil usage rather than focusing on addressing it at the source: drilling and supply.

There is this idea that at some point we will reach the maximum extraction limit, after which supplies of oil will be in terminal decline. This idea is called 'peak oil', and eco-lobbyists are often loath to do anything other than pussyfoot around the idea for fear of sending consumers into a blind panic at the thought of never having any more petrol.

The threat of having no oil is not something that is easy to get across to the average Joe on the street. No-one wants to touch the idea, which is why they like to push all the warm and fuzzy green consumption initiatives. There has also been a slight air of 'conspiracy theory' about the whole concept of 'peak oil', and as a result, the 'peak oil' people and the 'green warm and fuzzies' have been sitting in separate camps.

However, now the global economy is threatened by rising food prices, increased costs of transportation and Middle Eastern instability, especially with Libya now entering the fray. Worries about the oil supply affect more than just bearded nutters with underground survival bunkers.


But the idea of 'peak oil', to me, is just common sense, isn't it? It seems pretty foolish to imagine that the supplies are unlimited. A real oil crisis is on the horizon, people - conservative estimates say it will start in about 10 years' time.

Greenpeace are of course doing their bit - about to mount a legal challenge over licences for deepwater drilling off Scotland, and what with last year's Gulf of Mexico debacle still fresh in our minds, not a moment too soon. Active opposition to the ever more dangerous and some would say downright foolhardy attempts to find more oil and suck it out of Mother Earth have strengthened in its wake.

One thing is clear - the environmentalists and the peak-oilers need to unite, and perhaps now is the right time. Conditions are now right to address the fact that the earth is fragile, and all the while we humans are running it, we need to take care of our home.

UPDATE: Now watch this.

Party On, Wayne

So last time on the Puzzler I enquired of you good folks, "Whence comes the line, 'Led Zeppelin didn't write songs everyone liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.'?"

Well, the more attentive among you will have known that the line was uttered by Mike Myers in the movie Wayne's World, in my opinion a much maligned flick. Oh, we all laughed when it came out, didn't we? Yeah, you know you did, but after The Love Guru it is now apparently not kosher to like anything Myers had a hand in. Well, I don't care. I like Mike, and I like his stuff.

"Galileo! Galileo!!"

Ok, so... next question...


After the end credits for Myers' movie Austin Powers:International Man Of Mystery, Myers (as Powers) performs a song with a band, entitled 'BBC'. Question is - what's the name of the band, and can you name either the female guitarist, or the bassist, or both?

100 Records That Shook The World, # 48

Hot Rats (LP)

Frank Zappa

In the original sleeve notes for this LP, Frank's first after the original Mothers of Invention dissolved, Zappa desribes this largely instrumental album as "A movie for your ears". The Mothers' LPs featured a lot of musique concrete,  satirical vocals and nippy editing techniques. Hot Rats is more into long jazzy solos, and multi-layered 16-track overdubbing which more or less opened the door to the progressive rock era. Only one track, Willie The Pimp, features vocals, from Captain Beefheart, no less.

Enjoy.

100 Records That Shook The World, # 49

The Band (LP)

Even the cover's horrible. 

The Band

I have to confess I really don't know much about this album (dubbed 'The Brown Album' in reference to The Beatles' White Album). Nor do I know much about The Band, other than Robbie Robertson, the man responsible for some late 80s hits such as "Somewhere Down The Crazy River" and "Broken Arrow", was their main songwriter, Levon Helm was one of them and he's um, quite famous, and oh yeah, they were Bob Dylan's backing band. I also know that this album spawned some of their most well known tunes such as "Up On Cripple Creek", and "Rag Mama Rag", which is quite groovy. It also contained "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down", which I have to say, I can't stand. Sorry, all you Band fans out there. All I know is I tried to watch "The Last Waltz" once and after about what seemed like the fifteenth hour of it I had had enough - I was trying to watch it to further my musical education, I mean, here were all these musical luminaries on stage together, so I thought "Well, it should do me some good to watch this" but it is one of those movies that everyone says is amazing, awesome, legendary, and I'm afraid all it did for me was to make me long for the strains of ABBA and a big bowl of Haagen-Dazs. I have never been a fan of what came to be known as 'country-rock', and this is what "The Band" is responsible for. So yes, all you Eagles fans out there, it's all Robbie Robertson's fault.

Anyway, these guys are supposedly legends, as is this album, so enjoy if you can bear to.