Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Most. Disturbing. Advert. Ever.

My eyes... my eyes!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Check Your Facts

Recently the News Feed page on Facebook has become littered with posts from the likes of, uh,, and others of that ilk, usually links to little galleries of hilarious 'fails', 'epic' in nature, or pictures of dramatic weight loss, or equally dramatic weight gain, or stupid tattoos, you get the idea.
Usually these are harmless time wasters, a bit of non-taxing escapism to look at while wishing your life wasn't so sad, empty and without meaning.

However, once in a while there comes one which is so strewn with inaccuracies and poor spelling that I feel it is my public duty to show it to the world in order that we can all collectively sigh, shake our heads, tut-tut and inwardly complain about the state of education these days. Naturally I am also doing it so that you can all read it and avoid doing anything productive, which I guess makes me just as bad as them. But heigh ho.

The post that irked me today was one entitled

80s Sex Symbols. Then And Now ( sic)

Not off to a great start, really. We haven't had a look at any of them yet and we have a full stop where a comma should be. But no matter, on with the list.

First off, we have Val Kilmer. OK, so we know he's got a bit chunky of late. Sure, we see the difference.

Next, Nick Nolte. Here is where I begin to have a problem. Sure he used to look pretty good back in the early 80s, but a sex symbol? And just to show the difference, they counterpoint the first pic with the police mug shot from about ten years ago that we have all seen a hundred times.

Then it starts to get silly, with before and after shots of that well known actress, Kirsty Allen. What's that you say? Never heard of her? For shame! Who can forget her from Cheers and Veronica's Closet? Kirsty Allen. Not to mention those talking baby movies with Jim Travanti and Bryce Wallis. Sorry, yes, Kirstie Alley. Sure, she's had weight issues. Who hasn't?

Next, Kelly Lebrok. Yes, I know it's supposed to be LeBrock. But the people that compiled the list clearly don't worry about that sort of thing. And yes, she looks like a Botox nightmare.

Then we have Keith Richards. When exactly was he a "sex symbol"? Certainly not in the 80s.

Kathleen Turner. Useta be hot, but by the end of the 80s her ship had sailed, and by the mid 90s she was utterly convincing as Chandler Bing's drag queen father.

Janice Dickinson. Too much of everything cosmetic-surgery-related combined with a personality that brings to mind that old proverb "Empty vessels make the most noise." Eeesh.

Jamie Lee Curtis. Will always be hot.

Jack Nicholson. He was at his peak sex-god-wise in the middle 70s, not the 80s. Sorry Jack.
Left: 1977 Jack. Right: 2013 Jack.

Farah (sic) Fawcett. First of all, she is no longer with us, so you can't do a "then and now" about her. Idiots.

David Lee Roth. He looks like some guy you'd find fishing down at the pier.

Bridget (sic) Bardot. It's BRIGITTE, not Bridget. I refer you to my earlier statement on Keith Richards. Bardot was a sex symbol in the 60s and has been pretty reclusive for at least 30 years. Next.

Bridgette Nelson. (sic). Oh, you mean Sly's ex? Brigitte Nielsen? Tell you what, you better not call her Bridgette Nelson to her face.
She'll whoop yo ass.

Al Pacino. Next.

Kylie Minogue. Now there's one lady who has improved with time.

Jon Bon Jovi. The hair!

Catherine Zeta-Jones. I refer you to my previous statement about Kylie.

Will Smith. Apart from a few grey hairs, he hasn't changed.

Spice Girls. All have improved over time.

Boy oh boy, they saved the best one till last. Haley Joel Osment.
Al I have to say about this is... he was a child star in the late 90s. So something would have to be very amiss in order for him to have been a sex symbol in the 80s. Unless he had a time machine. And yes, we've all seen his chubby cheeked grown up mugshots photos. Move on.

Check your facts, people. And learn how to spell famous people's names.

P.S. Since I have illustrated each 'then and now', some rather pointlessly (Al Pacino, Will Smith, JLC) I will post a couple of good ones that were missed by the people that compiled this list. Rather careless omissions, I feel. And worth a good chortle.

Colin Farrell

Pierce 'Funky' Brosnan

Axl and.... angry moustachioed Meat Loaf?

Russell Brand

Oh, this is too good.

Nice bins, Seacrest.

Matthew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom. Wow.

James Franco rather uncharacteristically wearing a shirt.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Joke I Just Thought Of

So this guy is an unrepentant atheist. He doesn't believe in God, angels, the Virgin birth, any of it. Total non-believer.

And God is up in Heaven, noticing this, and decides to just randomly pick on this chap and convert him to Christianity. Just because. So he looks on the angel rota to see who is available to go down to Earth and do a little convincing.

So the angel that gets chosen (let's call him Barry) is told by the Almighty, "Look, Baz. This guy is going to miss out on all the fun we have up here when he passes on if he doesn't repent and all that. So you get down there and give him the hard sell. Make it sound like the best holiday resort ever. I want this guy's everlasting commitment to me. Just because."

And Barry the angel goes down and does what he was told.

One evening he manifests in the fellow's living room. The chap is naturally freaked out by this - I mean, wouldn't you be? It's not like your normal everyday occurrence, is it - a heavenly presence just plonking itself down in your lounge. So this poor bloke legs it over to the cupboard under the stairs where he happens to keep a loaded firearm - a small pistol. He grabs it and runs back into the room, saying "I dunno who you are or what you want, but if you don't get the hell out of my house in 10 seconds, I'm blasting you!"

"Calm down, dear fellow," reassures the angel, "For I am the angel Barry, and I bring you glad tidings from Heaven above."

Well, that was more than this staunch atheist could bear. He unloaded his gun into the angel. Of course, being an angel, the bullets had zero effect on Barry. However, the noise of shots being fired did have the effect of causing some well meaning passers-by to call the police, who sent a squad car to the address.

But by this time, God, the all-seeing and all -knowing, decided to intervene, seeing as how Barry was not making any headway. But the sudden appearance of yet another heavenly presence in his living room just made our atheist friend madder, and he attempted to shoot at God. This was futile, however, due to the gun being empty.

Just then, the door burst open and two officers ran in, guns drawn, to see the homeowner standing there, gun in hand, with what appeared to be God and one of his angels at the other end of the room.

So one cop says, "What in the world is going on? A neighbour reported hearing gunfire!"

So the fellow turns to the policemen and says,

(wait for it, wait for it...)

"It was me, officer. I shot the seraph. But I did not shoot the deity."

You may now groan.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Podcast Of Jeff presents: Into The Unknown

The Podcast Of Jeff presents: Into The Unknown

Click the above link to listen to my new show in which I play new music and other good things by Luke Jackson, John Knowles, Vile Electrodes, OMD, Dropitomic, Trunken, the lost boy, Nazneen, Bentcousin, Andrew Hammond, Kelly Bourne, Hands and Harvey Summers.

If you would like for your song to be featured on the next instalment of Into The Unknown, shoot me an email at and any mp3s you'd like me to play. Doesn't matter if you're an unsigned artist either - in fact, if I can be of service in getting your music (or poetry or standup, for that matter) out there, then so much the better.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Give It Up For Pete Hernandez

Or should that be, give it up for the artist formerly known as Peter Gene Hernandez.(Yes folks, surprisingly his real name is not Bruno Mars.)

Seriously, is he not channeling Prince, The Time, The Gap Band and The Brothers Johnson here?!?!

All I can say is... TUUUUNNNEEE!!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

How Are You?

My trouble is I'm too honest.

There are certain social conventions I am afraid I just do not have any time for, and one of those is when somebody asks how you are, by way of greeting.

"Hi, how are you?"

to which we are supposed to just reply,

"Fine, thanks. You?"

 and then they respond with

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Why is this? Because, apparently, it's polite, and I suppose in a larger sense, because nobody actually cares how others are doing, they are just making conversation. It's like poking someone on Facebook. You're not trying to start a conversation, you are just reminding each other that you are both still alive. What the above conversation looks like, when roughly translated, is this:

"Hello. I recognise you from somewhere and because of this I feel obliged to greet you in some fashion, even though I don't really want to talk to you."

"Same here. I would rather smack myself about the face with a spiny cactus than have a real conversation with you, so I will therefore make small talk in hopes that we can keep this exchange mercifully brief."

"You said it."

But because I have no truck with these shallow social constructs and I like to, ahem, "keep it real", I actually reply by giving them an honest account of how I'm feeling, whether it be good, bad or indifferent. Some people appreciate it and respond likewise. Others are somewhat taken aback and don't know how to react.

Here's a little example. On Tuesday afternoon I started getting stomach cramps and by the evening my stomach felt so bloated and tender that I could not bear to have any form of pressure on it, even going so far as to completely untie the drawstring in the sweatpants I was wearing. I knew I would not be able to work the next day feeling the way I felt, and so I called in sick. Today I returned to work and when customers started to come in to the shop, they all naturally asked, "How are you?" or "How ya doing?" or words to that effect.

So, being plagued by the need to be honest and not just pretend to be something I'm not,  I would tell them a brief, condensed version of what I just told you.

"Well, I'm fine NOW, now that I'm not getting mind-numbing stomach cramps every 15 minutes."

Like I said, some would join in with the 'illness' repartee with gusto, and others would go "Oh. Well. Oh dear."

What's weird about that is not that they don't feel like joining in, it's that the strange conventions of politeness contain this little 'rule' about conversational greetings in the first place. Who was the first person to decide that the best thing to do to avoid lengthy dialogues with people you only marginally know was to subject yourself to the whole

"How are you?" "Fine, how are you?" "Fine thanks."


Keep it real, peeps, and have a happy 2015. May you not get ill.

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