Rubbish, piffle, tommyrot, drivel and utter bilge

Monday, August 25, 2014

The Foodcast Of Jeff! Cooking Live!

The Foodcast Of Jeff! Cooking Live!

The Doctor's Daughter

Sorry if I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but I've just found out that the actress who played Jenny in "The Doctor's Daughter" episode of Doctor Who in 2008 (Georgina Moffett) is now married to David Tennant, whom everyone knows as The Tenth Doctor. Not only that, but they have a baby daughter. But the bit that blows my frickin' mind is that her dad is Peter Davison (real name Peter Moffett), aka The Fifth Doctor. Anyone else realise that?

In other words... the Doctor's daughter who played The Doctor's Daughter in "The Doctor's Daughter" gave birth to The Doctor's Daughter.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

The Podcast Of Jeff! A Conversation With Angie Bailey

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Signs Of The Times

It's not an unfamiliar sight. Little wooden or metal signs hung on walls in people's homes, with an uplifting saying, phrase, verse of Scripture, poem or song lyric on it. Either handpainted or mass-produced, trying to look perhaps a little 'retro' or 'shabby chic'. We've all seen them, we probably can name at least three friends who own something like this or the names of at least three local shops that sell these kind of things.

By and large, they're quite inoffensive, some would say charming or quirky, designed to make the owner seem perhaps a little nicer, cooler or more intelligent. This is the sort of thing I am talking about.

But just recently, things have taken a turn. For some reason, that bloody overplayed overhyped song 'Chasing Cars' by the equally overhyped Snow Patrol that has been a staple for the last few years on every radio station known to man has become one of these signs. I've seen it several times recently in different locations and it's making me crazy. As if it didn't make me crazy enough when it was in the charts being played 24/7.

So I'm basically going to just join in and do a few of my own. Except I'm going to create these 'inspirational' signs using lyrics of songs that everyone thinks are love songs, but actually aren't. Here's a few I put together earlier. See what you think.

But why stop there? Why not put these inspiring lyrics on other things too? Plates, for example.

Or dumpsters.

How's about a dustbin lid?

Somehow I can't help but feel that Ms. Patsy Cline would be proud.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Defiant Language

The way I see it, there are two types of people in the world. Those who speak English, and those who don't.

Hang on. Allow me to rephrase that slightly.

There are those that use the English Language as their primary method of communication, whether by writing, speaking, or sign language.

And there are those that use a different language. We have no use for these people at the current time. I am only interested in the English Language users.

We can divide the remaining group up into the three categories I previously mentioned. Those that speak English, those that sign English, and those that write English.

I'm only interested in the ones that write.

Of the English Language writers, we can then divide this group into two sub-groups. Those that can spell...

...and those that cannot.

The good spellers, we have no use for at the current time.

The bad or non-spellers, we can further divide into sub-groups.

  • Those that cannot spell no matter what, and have given up trying, finally accepting the fact that spelling is completely beyond their scope. We have no use for these people at the moment. (NB: I am not in any way dissing these people - there are many people out there who, while extremely smart, have simply no room left in their ginormous brains for something as trivial and unimportant as spelling a word correctly. I have at least two friends who fall into this category and are successful, clever guys, despite the fact that they can't spell for toffee. They're also both left-handed and their handwriting is atrocious, so maybe that's the issue. I remember one of them writing the word masochism and spelling it as if it were the name of a New England town. Y'know - Narragansett, Naugatuck, and Massakissum.)
  • Those that can kinda spell most of the time but make obvious mistakes like tommorow, embarassment, accidently etc. We have no use for these people. (again, not a put-down, just that we aren't dealing with you guys right now.)
  • Those that cannot spell but think they can. These are the people we are concerned with.
The people that think they can spell but actually have no business trying to are all over the interwebs. I'm not talking about the deliberate misspellings like teh or pwned, or the shortening of words like - those I can live with.

I'm talking about confidently launching into a word like definitely and putting an A in it instead of the second I.


 Even that I can sort of cope with.

But then there's another sub-group. The people who believe that definately  doesn't need that second E.

So then it becomes DEFINATLY.


However, there is a moment when sometimes, just sometimes, this word gets mistyped.

We've all done it. Your mind is running so fast that your fingers can't keep up, and you accidentally forget which order the letters come in, or your brain doesn't send the message to your fingers fast enough, and you end up transposing two of the letters.

In this instance, sometimes the word DEFINATLY becomes DEFIANTLY.

Hurray! You've managed to spell a word correctly! The wrong word, but...

This in turn can lead to some interesting Facebook status updates.

For example, say you are definitely angry with someone (let's call him Bob for the sake of argument) and wish to express this sentiment on your Facebook wall.

"I am defiantly mad at Bob."

Wow. Strong words. You're not only angry, but defiantly so. Good stuff, get it off your chest.

But say you have been coveting that pretty blue dress in the window of M & Co. for a while and have been waiting for payday to roll around so you can go in and make a purchase...

"Woo Hoo! Payday tomoz! I am defiantly gunna buy that blue dress at M&Co.!"

Paints an interesting picture.

*Strides forcefully up to counter, dress in hand*

"I'm buying this dress! Don't even try not to sell it to me! I'm defiantly buying it!"

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Forget Sharknado... this is AerobiCide!

I recently had cause to be researching terrible slasher movies (don't ask) and stumbled across this gem from 1987, full of hotties working out to Flashdance-style tunes and then being gruesomely killed for no apparent reason. Check it.

The Podcast Of Jeff! A Conversation With Clark Brooks

Friday, August 1, 2014

I'm Gonna Get Some Flak For This One

I was just thinking to myself I needed to have a damn good rant about all this Israel stuff. And the main thought that revolved around my head concerning all of the atrocities and shelling and emotive heart-string-tugging on the media channels was this: How can people be so goddamned stupid?
I know I'm severely undereducated when it comes to this topic, but it is one of those subjects where I think knowing too much about the underlying history behind the conflict actually clouds the issue and makes it more difficult to deal with.

From where I sit it seems very simple. Israel, having been moaning for centuries about how the Holy Land is rightfully theirs, finally got what they saw as a break after World War 2 when the UN said here's the plan, you have this bit and the Palestinians, who have been living here for bloody ages, can have these bits. Alright, says Israel, fine. A little while later Israel says nah, actually, we want more than that. Since then, they've been fighting on and off for nigh on 70 years. Now Israel have stepped up the anti-Palestinian stance and seem content in bombing the living shit out of everything until all the Palestinians either get fed up and leave or just expire. It's like a landlord that tries to kick its tenants out (OK, I know, Israel isn't the 'landlord' of the Palestinian territories, but bear with me and let's see where this ends up, shall we? Patience, people, patience.) by sustained and constant attack on the property they live in. It's ridiculous and untenable. It would be crazy for a landlord to systematically destroy bits of their rental properties in order to get rid of the people that lived there, because he's ending up with a property in disrepair and it would be worthless. Similarly, Israel seem to think that the best way of regaining control of Gaza is to shoot fucking huge rockets at it until the Palestinians either up and die, or up and leave. What they seem to not understand is that Gaza will not be worth a tinker's toilet pan if they have levelled the bejeezus out of it.

"Hey guys? Guess what? Good news, the Palestinians are all gone / dead. Brilliant!"

"Cool! Now we can go back in there and... oh. Umm... looks like shit, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, well... nothing to do with us, surely?"

What is the point of trying to explain this to anyone? I mean, I know I'm gonna get some comments from people. I'm gonna be unfriended by several, I guess. But here's the thing.

I'm not anti-Semitic, I'm not anti-Palestinian, I'm not anti-Jew, anti-Muslim, anti-anything.

Except war. I'm anti-war. Anti-pain. Anti-violence.

I'm pro-people. Pro-peace.

Right now in the good ole U S of A, the thinking seems to be - stand behind Israel. Israel is right, Israel is the victim here, and if you are a Jew you need to be standing with them. If you are American you need to stand behind Israel because Israel is our buddy. So what if they blew the holy crap out of a UN school in Gaza? There must have been Hamas terrorists in that school because they wouldn't have destroyed it and all its contents (including children) unless there was some serious terrorist-type stuff happening there, would they? So let's all give Israel more weapons with which to protect themselves from those terrible terrorist Palestinian kiddies. Yeah. Good idea. (Sarcasm alert!)

Understand that I am only a simple Englishman who is pro-peace, pro-people, and not anti-Semitic. I am, however, anti-religion, because as I see it, every war that can be thought of has had some kind of 'religious' motive behind it, as if it was an excuse when all other excuses failed, and the fighting in the Middle East has always had some kind of territorial or religious reason behind it.

"Well, we're Israel and we deserve to live in Holy Land without any of those infidel Muslims cluttering the place up, because well, we're the children of Israel, and we have been very poorly treated throughout history, so be nice to us or else."

"Oh sure, poor Israel, let'em live there and boot everyone else out, because it's such a fucking attractive place to live, innit? The Negev Desert is so gorgeous this time of year."

Seriously, you're fighting over a hot dry piece of shit strip of sand, and you want to make sure you get control of it by bombing the shit out of it? Why, so you can build a frigging hotel and form a beach club? Well, sign me up, Israel, I always look for an arid area to vacation in. Pass me my Sandy Colada served in a spent grenade, I wanna work on my goddamn tan.

I realise this all sounds like hot air and ill-informed bull crap, but to me it's all very simple. Israel wants to bully Palestine out of its homeland - yes, homeland, they've been living there for fuckin' centuries. Why can they not get along? Why can't they be like these guys?

Why'd everybody clown Rodney King/

When he said that "why can't we all get along?" thing?/

Well it makes perfect sense to me/

But history tells us it just wasn't meant to be.

 -Wax , "It's All Love"
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